POLITICAL JOKES

"Bill Clinton's official portrait was unveiled at the White House yesterday. Don't kid yourself, there's already trouble. Yesterday, Clinton's portrait was caught hitting on Dolly Madison's portrait." —David Letterman "Yesterday at a White House ceremony, the official portrait of President Clinton was unveiled. Apparently, Clinton's portrait is so realistic that Hillary immediately started yelling at it." —Conan O'Brien "Yesterday at the White House they unveiled the official portrait of Bill Clinton. It's very classy. It's on black velvet." —Jay Leno "The Bushes hosted their predecessors at the White House yesterday, for the official unveiling of Bill and Hillary Clinton's White House portraits. The occasion moved the current commander in chief to a rare show of gracious bi-partisanship. ... Bush then handed the mic over to Clinton. It's been a long time since this skilled orator spoke in the White House. I'm sure he's got some profound words to share ... [clip of Clinton: 'All those kind and generous things you said, made me feel like I was a pickle stepping into history.'] ... Uhhh, I don't get that at all. As a matter fact, if I remember correctly, your pickle's already stepped into history." —Jon Stewart "In a recent interview, John Kerry was asked to describe his wife in three words. Not surprisingly, Kerry responded, 'My meal ticket.'" —Conan O'Brien "Former President George Bush marked his 80th birthday by jumping out of a plane. In a related story, O.J. Simpson marked the 10th anniversary of the murders by jumping out of the bushes." —Jay Leno "Rush Limbaugh and his third wife has broken up. Apparently, she came home early and found him with their pharmacist." —Jay Leno "Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's not the only Bush in freefall." —David Letterman "Former President Bush parachuted with an Army Ranger holding him so he wouldn't get hurt on his 80th birthday. This is the same method they use when his son rides a bike." —Craig Kilborn "The first President Bush — the real one — celebrated his 80th birthday over the weekend, and in case you haven't heard, he went skydiving. He was strapped to the back of a secret service guy. Does it really count as a jump when you're essentially a fanny pack on some Navy SEAL? It's like calling a mouse shot into space an astronaut." —Jimmy Kimmel "President Bush welcomed Bill and Hillary Clinton back to the White House for the unveiling of Bill's official portrait. There are two firsts involved. It's the first presidential portrait ever painted by an African-American artist. And it's the first presidential portrait to feature full-frontal nudity." —Jay Leno "Bill Clinton's new memoir has already had orders for 1.5 million copies. In fact, it's already in its third printing. The first two were stained." —David Letterman "The State Department released a memo saying terrorism has gone down. It turns out, the only reason they came up with that information is because of a mathematical error. A mathematical error, isn't that how Bush became president?" —David Letterman "The Bush administration is testing something called the Registered Travelers Program. This allows travelers to bypass the security lines and checkpoints at airports by agreeing to a fee and a background check. Boy, that's a great idea. A separate line for rich people — I'm surprised the Republicans thought of that." —Jay Leno "The Bush administration said Saudi Arabia needs to do more to help in the war on terror. Yeah, like fight on our side." —Jay Leno "Rush Limbaugh and his wife are divorcing and experts say this could get ugly. I'm confused, are they splitting up or having sex?" —Craig Kilborn

"Al Gore is back, at a recent speech, he called for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld. And Donald Rumsfeld, in response, he stripped Gore naked and ran him around on a leash." —David Letterman "Two new polls show Arnold Schwarzenegger is the most popular Governor of California since 1991, when Governor Hasselhoff ran the state. When your competition is Pete Wilson and Gray Davis, is it really that big a deal to be most popular? It's like being the smartest Hilton sister." —Jimmy Kimmel "Our top story, in 'Threat Matrix Reloaded' news ... Attorney General John Ashcroft and FBI Director Robert Muller held a press conference today to announce that Al Qaeda is planning attacks somewhere inside the United States at sometime in the future. So go about your normal lives, but with a vague sense of foreboding." —Craig Kilborn "Attorney General John Ashcroft said today that Al Qaeda is determined to attack the United States sometime this summer. He said the terrorists may do it to try to influence our Presidential election. So Al Qaeda is basically like Ralph Nader, only with more followers." —Jay Leno "Ashcroft went on to say that our way of life is being threatened by a group of radical religious fanatics who are armed and dangerous. And then he called for prayers in the schools and an end to gun control." —Jay Leno "Seven Iraqi men who had their hands cut off under Saddam Hussein were recently brought to the United States and fitted with high tech prosthetic hands. The bad news, the first thing they did with their new hands? Throw rocks at the U.S. Embassy." —Jay Leno "Al Gore gave a blistering speech today condemning the Bush administration and calling for everyone in Bush's cabinet to resign from office immediately. Finally the owner of the karaoke bar said, 'Are you going to sing or what?'" —Jay Leno "He also said that Iraq will have two vice presidents. See that's when you know that they don't expect the president to last that long — when they have a back up guy for the back up guy." —Jay Leno "The president was surprisingly nonchalant about the problems facing Iraq — at one point even muttering, 'What do I care this is all going to be Kerry's problem anyway.'" —Craig Kilborn "If Bush really wants to prove what a great job he's doing over there, he should just walk around Baghdad shouting, 'You're welcome everyone.'" —Craig Kilborn "The White House announced the notorious Abu Ghraib prison will be torn down, demolished and done away with. But don't worry, we'll always have our memories, and of course the photographs." —Jay Leno "'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." —Conan O'Brien "Bush fell off his bike while mountain biking on his ranch over the weekend. He hit a rough spot in the trail. There's a switch — the environment hurting Bush." —Jay Leno "President Bush fell off his mountain bike down on his ranch in Texas. A couple weeks ago, John Kerry fell off his bicycle. See, doesn't this make you miss President Clinton? That guy, he could ride anything without falling off." —Jay Leno "President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend and you know what was really sad? It's a stationary bike." —Jay Leno "You know what really makes this embarrassing? The other day the president said the leaders in Iraq are 'ready to take off the training wheels.' That's what he said, 'take off the training wheels.' Then he goes out and falls off his bicycle. And they wonder why the rest of the world doesn't take us seriously." —Jay Leno "A White House spokesmen said he fell because it's been raining a lot and the top soil is loose. We went ahead and looked up the rain for real in Crawford, Texas. May 15th, 0.0 inches of rain. May 16th, 0.0 inches of rain. 17th no rain. 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, and 23rd no rain. First he chokes on a pretzel; now he fell off his bike. Mr. President, when are you going to admit that Laura is abusing you? There is no shame in being a battered husband." —Jimmy Kimmel "President Bush fell off of his bike, wound up with cuts and bruises on his chin, his nose and on his upper lip — or as the secret service call it, Condition Hillary." —Craig Kilborn "With Iraq plunging into chaos and gas prices at record highs President Bush took time out this weekend for a ride on his bicycle, but unfortunately he fell off and sustained cuts to his face and hands. Apparently Bush was distracted by the enormous responsibilities of the presidency. I'm just kidding. He hit some gravel or something." —Craig Kilborn "Our president fell off of his bike and today declared war on gravity." —Craig Kilborn "Senator Bill Frist's son, William Frist Jr., who is a student at Princeton, was arrested this week in New Jersey for drunk driving. A very serious charge. So let's see, he's got the same name as his father, who is a powerful Republican leader, went to an Ivy league school, got arrested for drunk driving. You know what that means? He could go on to become president of the United States." —Jay Leno "According to USA Today, President Bush once worked at Sears in the sporting goods department. I believe he worked there for one four year term." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'" —Jay Leno "Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, 'How am I gonna beat this guy?" —David Letterman "Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign." —David Letterman "The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them." —David Letterman "President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.' " —Craig Kilborn "The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem for President Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry." —Jon Stewart

"This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, 'I'm John Kerry and I approve of this message — if I have one.'" —Craig Kilborn

"Insiders have begun voicing serious concerns about how he's conducting his campaign. One aide told the New York Times that while Bush's message of 'steady leadership' has remained consistent, Kerry has gone through six different messages in the 18 months he's been running, including, at one particularly desperate juncture, 'Kerry: Health care jobs for the troops' environment.'" —Jon Stewart "John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message." —David Letterman "Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts." —Craig Kilborn "Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment." —Jay Leno

Late-Night Political Jokes



"New Rule: If everybody was wrong about the weapons of mass



destruction, then somebody has to say, 'My bad.' ... For some



reason, the two words this president just can't seem to say are



'sorry' and 'nuclear.' Something is terribly wrong when the only



person who has been fired over terrorism is me." —Bill Maher



"A very happy birthday to Ronald Reagan, one of America's most



beloved presidents — 93-years-old today. George Bush today sent his



warmest regards to Mr. Reagan and asked if he wanted to be on his



committee looking in on intelligence failures." —Bill Maher



"Because of Janet Jackson's performance at the Super Bowl the



Grammys will now be on a 5-minute delay so they can take out any



mistakes. In fact they're saying Dick Cheney wants to use this



technology on Bush's speeches." —Jay Leno



"Next week the Bush administration is going to start broadcasting



an Arabic language satellite TV channel in the Middle East.



President Bush said the channel will tell people the truth about



what the United States is doing in the Middle East, which is pretty



good considering that he didn't even tell us what we were doing in



the Middle East." —Jay Leno



"John Kerry has been endorsed by Dick Gephardt. Kerry's response,



"What did I do to you?" —Craig Kilborn



"In a recent interview First Lady Laura Bush said that the Janet



Jackson breast incident bothered her very much. The first lady said



I think it's unfortunate that children and the president had to see



that." —Conan O'Brien



"The White House Tuesday defended President Bush against



Democratic accusations that he was absent without leave from the



Texas Air and National Guard in the 1970s. A spokesman labeled the



claims 'shameful' and 'the worst of election year politics,' and



'completely true.'" —Tina Fey



"The Massachusetts court decision to allow gay marriages this



week may prove to be a divisive issue in the upcoming presidential



election. President Bush is likely torn because he has to protect



what he sees as a sacred institution and yet he knows gay marriage



would boost the economy because you know those gay guys would go all



out. We're talking about designer wedding cakes, $20,000 sleeveless



tuxedos, giant naked man ice sculptures that pee mojitos. They'd



hire Pattie La Belle as the band, give out African parrots as party



favors. It'd be ridiculous. Remember, whatever your political



beliefs, a vote to allow gay marriage is a vote for a fabulous



economy." —Tina Fey



"President Bush is now launching an investigation into pre-war



intelligence over weapons of mass destruction. If we find out that



we were wrong, do we have to put Saddam Hussein back in the hole?"



—Jay Leno



"John Kerry won 5 of the 7 contests — a number of political



analysts say the nomination is Kerry's to lose and today Dean said



'I'll show you how to do it.'"  —Jay Leno



"One critic in the L.A. Times said John Kerry looks like



he is thinking too much. Well this is one place President Bush has



him beat." —Jay Leno



"This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign



appearance with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam.



Meanwhile, President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a



math test for him." —Conan O'Brien



"Do you know about this fight over Kerry's people and Bush's



people over the military service? Kerry says Bush never showed up



for his national guard duty — and now Bush is on the attack,



accusing John Kerry of ducking national guard duty by hiding out in



the jungles of Vietnam." —Jay Leno



"The cable news channel MSNBC has hired Howard Dean's former



campaign manager Joe Trippi to be a political analyst. Is that



really a good idea? Wait two weeks and you can hire Howard Dean." 



—Jay Leno



"During his trip, Wolfowitz took a positive view of the peril he



put the troops in, noting 'The more successful we are, the more we



can expect them to go after those things that represent success.'



Does this guy know how to motivate the troops or what? Apparently



the best way to measure our accomplishments is to witness the



destruction of our accomplishments." —Jon Stewart, on Deputy Defense



Secretary Paul Wolfowitz's recent trip to Iraq



"Did you see Justin Timberlake is still going to the Grammys? So,



this is how it works: If you show a breast you get kicked out of the



Grammys. But if you reach for a breast, you get to perform at the



Grammys and be the governor of California"



"They kicked Janet Jackson off the Grammys and Justin Timberlake



stays on the Grammys. So, this is how it works: If you show a breast



you get kicked out of the Grammys. But if you reach for a breast,



you get to perform at the Grammys and be the governor of



California." —Jay Leno



"Former Governor Gray Davis has made a guest appearance on the



CBS sitcom 'Yes Dear,' which is got to be nerve wracking for him,



knowing that at any moment he screws up he could be replaced by an



actor — again." —Jay Leno



"Dennis Kucinich vowed to stay in the presidential race. "Stay in?”



How about get in?" —Jay Leno

"The toxic chemical Ricin was discovered in the U.S. Capitol this week. Even more bad news — it's beating Dennis Kucinich in the polls." — Craig Kilborn "Congratulations to Senator John Kerry — the big winner in yesterday’s primary. Won five out of seven. I just hope all these victories don't give Kerry a big head." —Jay Leno "John Edwards won his home state of South Carolina. He said last night again there are really two Americas and he wants to create just one America. And the Republicans said that's fine with us as long as there is still a first class section." —Jay Leno "Because of poor results at the primaries last night, Senator Joe Lieberman will be dropping out of the race. Earlier today, he broke the news to his supporter." —David Letterman "This past weekend was tough on a lot of the candidates. John Edwards got caught trying to bring a pen knife through airport security. Wesley Clark's motorcade got stopped for speeding in Oklahoma. And Dennis Kucinich's campaign got cited for loitering." —Jay Leno "Howard Dean got under 10 percent in South Carolina, Missouri and Oklahoma. So that Al Gore endorsement is really starting to kick in now." —Jay Leno "Presidential candidate Howard Dean was at a fish market in Seattle catching fish and he did so well, next week he starts full time." —David Letterman "If Howard Dean is still limping along, other campaigns have collapsed with the last sign of Joementum fading. Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman, who was banking everything on, and I kid you not, a strong showing in Delaware, took last night's 0-7 performance as a sign that the game was finally over." —Jon Stewart "Yesterday after performing poorly in all of the primaries, Senator Joe Lieberman decided to drop out of the race. ... When asked about it, he said I knew I was in trouble when the Jewish guy in North Dakota didn't vote for me." —Conan O'Brien "Joe Lieberman has dropped out of the race for president. You know if Joe had raised just $10 million more, he could have gotten his ass kicked for two more months." —Craig Kilborn "President Bush has started to campaign on the accomplishments of his administration. Bin Laden’s been forced into hiding, Saddam Hussein is being interrogated, Janet Jackson is under investigation. "We'll get to the bottom of this!" —Jay Leno "President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has two parts: smoke and mirrors." —Jay Leno "They say Bush's popularity is falling so fast, his new secret service codename is 'Howard Dean.'" —Jay Leno "President Bush's approval rating is now down under 50 percent. So now what he's going to have to do is let Saddam go so we can capture him again." —David Letterman "Here's something frightening — in Washington yesterday, three senate buildings were shut down after a white powdery substance tested positive for Ricin. At first they thought it just was John Kerry’s Botox delivery." —Jay Leno "It seems the Ricin was found in the office of Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. Police believe now that the person who sent it is someone who has a grudge against Senate Republicans. So now they're looking for a gay middle class couple with no health care." —Jay Leno "Because of this Ricin poison scare yesterday, the Senate postponed all voting. You see this has a ripple effect on the economy because when politicians can't vote, oil companies, drug companies, tobacco companies can't get the money. That means that bartenders and hookers all suffer." —Jay Leno "John Kerry appears to be the front runner. Do you know the name of Kerry's bus? It's the Real Deal Express, that's the name of his campaign bus. Do you know the name of Dennis Kucinich's bus? Greyhound." —Jay Leno "Wesley Clark is bringing an Army veteran on the campaign trail who saved his life in Vietnam. However, Clark's plan might backfire since the man is John Kerry." —Conan O'Brien "Kucinich is not doing well. In fact, even in Florida today, people said they wouldn't vote for Kucinich even by mistake." —Jay Leno "In South Carolina, Senator John Edwards won handily, fulfilling his promise to win every state he was born in." —Jon Stewart "President Bush has appointed a commission to answer one big question about pre-war Iraq: How did our oil get under their sand?" —Craig Kilborn "This Iraqi intelligence scandal is growing. Americans are asking, 'What did President Bush not know?' and 'When did he mispronounce it?'" —Craig Kilborn "Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn't what it should have been. We knew that when we elected him!" —Jay Leno "We have to tape this show around 6 o'clock, 6:30, so we're not positive of the exact results but I really can confidently predict the following: today, voters in seven states from North Dakota to New Mexico humored Joe Lieberman, ignored Dennis Kucinich, reminisced about Howard Dean, and admired Clark's hussle, but still found him too creepy." —Jon Stewart "How many saw the big Super Bowl halftime show? You know, it's like turning into a thing now. ... President Bush has now formed a Department of Wardrobe Security." —David Letterman "You know who was really mad about that whole incident? President Bush, he was very upset. In fact, today, he accused Janet Jackson of having weapons of mass arousal." —Jay Leno "It was quite a Superbowl show, if you think about it. There was a streaker, Janet Jackson's breast was exposed and then Kid Rock wore an American flag as a poncho. You know, I'm surprised John Ashcroft's head didn't explode." —Jay Leno "Janet Jackson is being very contrite and she's pretending to apologize to everyone who pretended to be offended. I think that works out. But now the official explanation is 'wardrobe malfunction.' She's blaming the whole thing on 'wardrobe malfunction.' Former President Clinton is thinking, why didn't I think of that?" —David Letterman "I don't think President Bush is getting this situation. He said, 'If we don't set standards of decency, the nipples have won.'" —Craig Kilborn "Yesterday on MSNBC, televangelist Pat Robertson said the reason Democrats are still competitive in national elections, is that, and this is his quote, "African Americans don't cotton to the idea of voting for Republicans”. Maybe that’s because Republicans like Pat Robertson keep using 'cotton' as a verb!" —Jay Leno "The former California governor Gray Davis has got a new job. He's going to guest star on the CBS show 'Yes, Dear' next month. Let me tell you, you see, Gray Davis is very clever. You see, I know what Gray Davis is doing. He's going to become a famous actor, get back into politics, and beat Arnold at his own game." —Jay Leno "Today is Groundhog's Day. President Bush looked over at his shadow and saw John Kerry." —Jay Leno "On Groundhog Day, the old timers think they can predict whether it's going to be an early spring or six more weeks of winter by whether or not the groundhog sees his shadow, or, as President Bush calls it, 'reliable intelligence.'" —Jay Leno "The chairman of the FCC announced he's launching an immediate and swift investigation into what they're calling 'Nipplegate.' ... We still have to wait until next year to find out why we went to war with Iraq, but we'll find out what happened with (Janet Jackson's) breast probably in 48 hours." —Jay Leno "During testimony before the Senate Armed Services Committee former U.S. Chief Weapons Inspector David Kay defended President Bush for saying Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Kay blamed the 'intelligence community.' And he doesn't want anybody confusing Bush with the intelligence community. I think we're okay there." —Jay Leno "A spokesman for the military said today they expect to catch Osama bin Laden this year. I understand they're shooting for the first week November." —Jay Leno "After the game, President George Bush calls the winning team, he calls the Patriots and listen to this, former President Clinton called Janet Jackson." —David Letterman "Poor Al Sharpton, he only got 345 votes total in the New Hampshire primary. Here's a tip Al, when you're driving around the small white, conservative states, turn down the bass." —Bill Maher