A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, 'OHIO STATE!' And they say blondes are dumb!
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, he dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married an IRISH girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.
God Bless Irish Women.
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The young man replies "A 2005 Bugatti Veyron. It cost $1.24M."
"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside? "Sure," replies the owner.
So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whoooosh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Bugatti?" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh!
Ka-bbblammm! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him. When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Paul tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea. Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but soon the water is up to Paul's chin. "Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown." At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. "Well," he says, "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, you silly prick?"
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
Two rednecks, Bubba And Billy Bob, were walking through a pasture. Bubba sees a sheep caught up in a fence and says to Billy Bob "I'm gonna get me some of that"! Bubba goes over and sticks the sheep's back feet in his rubber boots, unzips his pants and starts to have sex with the sheep. He looks over his shoulder at Billy Bob and says "Do you want some of this"? Billy Bob replies "yes let me see if I can get my shirt caught up in the fence".
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family...
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.
DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.
DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words.
WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".
TOP TEN SONG TITLES ON THE POPE'S NEW ALBUM
10. Girls Just Want To Be Nuns
9. Wind Beneath My Vestments
8. Pretty Fly (For A Celibate Guy)
7. A Whiter Shade Of Robe
6. Exactly Like A Virgin
5. Sistine Candles
4. Take This Job And Read It
3. Gettin' Popey Wit It
2. God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On Me
1. Papa's Got A Brand New Encyclical
10. Girls Just Want To Be Nuns
9. Wind Beneath My Vestments
8. Pretty Fly (For A Celibate Guy)
7. A Whiter Shade Of Robe
6. Exactly Like A Virgin
5. Sistine Candles
4. Take This Job And Read It
3. Gettin' Popey Wit It
2. God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On Me
1. Papa's Got A Brand New Encyclical
"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'"
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'"
A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"
A couple went to a doctor because the man was feeling down, tired all the time. The doctor said I will give a shot of vitamins, a prescription for some pep pills from the drugstore, and an empty jar for checking your sperm count - bring it back in next week so I can check it. When the guy came back to the doctor, the doctor said "Why, this jar is empty, I told you I needed to do a sperm count." The guy said, "I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, my wife tried with her left hand and she also tried with her right hand, she even tried with her teeth. We could not get that jar open!"
10 Office Rules:
10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.
10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.
9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.
5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember, they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!
Tickle Me Elmo:
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
Meaning of... 'potentially' and 'realistically'
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"
bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers
and a future congressman."
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers
and a future congressman."
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Paddy the Earthling: We put a man on the moon in 1969.
Paddy the Martian: Big deal! We're going to send a team to the Sun.
Paddy the Earthling: You're mad! They'll be burned up before they even get close.
Paddy the Martian: We're not that stupid! We're sending them up at night!
What makes you think Marie Griffin is an alien?
She has three 'i's.
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.
says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!"
"Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!"
A Teenager is...
A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.
A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.
An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.
A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol"
10. "If I had won, I was gonna blow the prize money on candy and fireworks"
9. "Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for 'The Apprentice'"
8. "Ryan Seacrest isn't as smart as he seems on TV"
7. "If you want to see me 'perform,' I'll be working the noon-to-8 shift at Old Navy tomorrow"
6. "George W. Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and he's done pretty well for himself"
5. "Underneath that table, Randy Jackson doesn't wear pants"
4. "Until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was"
3. "I could take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling"
2. "I handled my loss well -- I gathered my belongings, said my goodbyes and keyed the crap out of Simon's car"
1. "I have one thing to say to the voters: What in the hell is wrong with you people?"
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
Funny Father's Day Joke:
One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.
One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.
Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:
"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."
You Know You've Finally Turned Into a Mom When...
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"
You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know -
you left your Injun running..."
you left your Injun running..."
These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"
"I would not allow this employee to breed"
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"
"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"
"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"
"He's been working with glue too much"
"He would argue with a signpost"
"He has knack for making strangers immediately"
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"
"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"
"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"
"A prime candidate for natural deselection"
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"
"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"
"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"
"One neuron short of a synapse"
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"
"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"
"I would not allow this employee to breed"
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"
"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"
"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"
"He's been working with glue too much"
"He would argue with a signpost"
"He has knack for making strangers immediately"
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"
"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"
"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"
"A prime candidate for natural deselection"
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"
"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"
"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"
"One neuron short of a synapse"
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"
"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm.
He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out!
He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it
He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out!
He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it
There are three morals to this story:
1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"
"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.
"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade.
EVER WONDER...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
Dear Internal Revenue Service:
Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I
owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article
from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein
you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article
from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein
you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six
(6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.
(6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
OK, so there's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.
The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it.
The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!" She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!"
Stock Market Investment tips for 2006
Get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2006.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW!
become: Knott NOW!
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
How to Annoy Your Waiter:
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.
Top Ten Things You Need To Know To Be A Nurse
10. If it's wet make it dry.
9. If it's dry make it wet.
9. If it's dry make it wet.
8. Always ask for on-call pay before agreeing to overtime.
7. Never tell management what you are really thinking.
6. Never finish report with, "You have an easy assignment".
5. Never say. "This looks like a easy assignment".
4. Don't expect nurses aids to do their job.
3. Don't expect doctors to believe any thing you tell them.
2. If you don't have enough time to do everything, take about 30 minutes to complain about it.
1. If it moves, rattles, shakes, falls down, or won't stay in place: tape it.
Ellen Degeneres Quotes
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
The sixties were when hallucinogentic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.
Yeah I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range.
The one on the range.
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.
Cut off your head.
A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"
"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"
Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.
A. Where you left it.
Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff
A. Pink fluff
Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath
Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "Wow it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"
One says to the other "Wow it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"
Baskin Robbins
Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A
mama cat and her kitten were walking by.
Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A
mama cat and her kitten were walking by.
The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we
eat?"
eat?"
To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How
about some Baskin Robbins?"
about some Baskin Robbins?"
Carols For the Psycho Challenged
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?
DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.
When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.
She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.
Things Not To Say During Childbirth....
-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.
-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.
-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.
Dictionary for women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
FUNNY SMS JOKES:
News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
FUNNY ONE LINE JOKES:
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
Why don't aliens eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
Because they taste funny.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
A fsh
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no
el-if-i-no
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
One was a salted.
Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
Cause he was caught with seaweed.
Cause he was caught with seaweed.
The fight we had last night was my fault,
my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.
my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.
Boys are like parking spaces the good ones are take-in!!!!
What did one ghost say to another?
Do you believe in people?
Do you believe in people?
Internet Cafe Jokes
Hold mouse up to ear like a cell phone and yell "I can't hear you!!! You're going to have to speak louder!"
Play Pac Man and state to person next to you, "These new games are incredible!"
Practice 'spinning mouse mat on index finger' globe trotter routine.
Put your monitor's contrast and brightness on full. With wide open eyes yell "It's going to implode!"
Tell the cashier you wish to redeem your free 1000 hours and hand him a bag full of collected AOL promo CD's.
Typing hard and loudly looking behind you yell, "STOP MAKING ME TYPE THIS - IT WILL ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE!"
Sit at the web terminal... without a chair.
A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job the plumber demanded $150.
The neurosurgeon exclaimed, 'I don't charge this amount even though I am a surgeon."
The plumber replied, "I agree, you are right. I too, didn't either, when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing!"
A good flush beats a full house every time!
Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four...
Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?
A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin for his work - the philosopher can do without the trash bin...
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four...
Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?
A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin for his work - the philosopher can do without the trash bin...
Q: What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?
A: A high school math problem!
A: A high school math problem!
Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?
A: Nice belt!
Q: How does one insult a mathematician?
A: You say: "Your brain is smaller than any >0!"
A: Nice belt!
Q: How does one insult a mathematician?
A: You say: "Your brain is smaller than any >0!"
Q: What does a mathematician present to his fiancée when he wants to propose?
A: A polynomial ring!
A: A polynomial ring!
Q: Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?
A: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't need the sun!
A: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't need the sun!
Q: Why do mathematicians, after a dinner at a Chinese restaurant, always insist on taking the leftovers home?
A: Because they know the Chinese remainder theorem!
Q: What do you get if you divide the cirucmference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi!
A: Because they know the Chinese remainder theorem!
Q: What do you get if you divide the cirucmference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi!
Top Ten Things Overheard Last Night at the Florida Election Commission
10. "The first vote goes to Gore...call CNN and tell them Gore won."
9. "Wait, if my wet laundry is in the ballot box...oh my god! Stop the dryer!"
8. "If someone voted for 'the jerk,' do I give it to Gore or Bush?"
7. "Let's be extra careful, because every single vote counts...ha, ha, ha, ha, just kidding!"
6. "120... 121... 122! Yes! I'm the ballot-eating champion!"
5. "This is much easier than my last job designing tires for Firestone"
4. "America must never know Ralph Nader actually won the election"
3. "Discard all these votes for Bush -- they're obviously left over from 1992"
2. "I'm sure gonna miss you guys when this is over. If only there was a way to make it last a few more days..."
1. "Heads Bush... Tails Gore"
TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?
CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?
TECH: We're an Internet service provider, ma'am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.
CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?
TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank.
CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?
TECH: I'm not sure I understand?
CUSTOMER: You know...Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's
office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?" "You would never get through basic training," scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?" "You would never get through basic training," scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case. "If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"
Q. Did you hear about how quick the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.
A. He's all right now.
Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
A. A nervous wreck.
Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.
A. Anyone can roast beef.
Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.
A. Right where you left him.
Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.
A. Ugly sheep.
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.
Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.
Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.
A. Fill it with gas.
Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.
A. Ground beef.
Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!
A. The taste!
Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.
Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.
A. A beer and a mop.
Two blonde carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.
The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."
"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.
"Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.
Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.
After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."
The first said, "I wish I were smarter."
So, she became a redhead.
The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."
She became a brunette.
The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"
So, she became a man.
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"
A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would
there be any "we" in the first place."
there be any "we" in the first place."
What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire?
A very witch person.
A very witch person.
Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire?
Sure. Here you are.
Thanks - but half the pages are missing.
What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?
Sure. Here you are.
Thanks - but half the pages are missing.
What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?
OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance
OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted
OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part
OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted
OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history
OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver
OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures
OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate
OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world
OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay
OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest
OLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap
A old blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."
MEMO FROM ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.
Thank you,
Accounting
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.
Thank you,
Accounting
Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code Description
5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5511 Feeling Horny
5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 Complaining About Low Pay
5602 Complaining About Long Hours
5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 Complaining About Boss
5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205 Hiding from Boss
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 Updating Resume
6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 Out of Office on Interview
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
6969 Beating off in Broom Closet
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
8002 Liquid Lunch
8100 Reading e-mail
8102 Laughing while reading e-mail
Code Description
5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5511 Feeling Horny
5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 Complaining About Low Pay
5602 Complaining About Long Hours
5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 Complaining About Boss
5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205 Hiding from Boss
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 Updating Resume
6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 Out of Office on Interview
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
6969 Beating off in Broom Closet
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
8002 Liquid Lunch
8100 Reading e-mail
8102 Laughing while reading e-mail
You know you're a nurse if...
You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine.
You would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley one night.
You believe not all patients are annoying ... some are unconscious.
Your sense of humor seems to get more "warped" each year.
You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.
You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.
Almost everything can seem humorous ... eventually.
When asked, "What color is the patient's diarrhea?", you show them your shoes.
Every time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.
You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing than he can.
You carry "spare" meds in your pocket rather than wait for pharmacy to deliver.
You refuse to watch ER because it's too much like the real thing and triggers "flash backs."
You check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to see if someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.
You've been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw up.
You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you became a nurse.
Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you.
You can intubate your friends at parties.
You don't get excited about blood loss ... unless it's your own.
You live by the motto, "To be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician is more difficult."
You've basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.
You've told a confused patient your name was that of your coworker and to HOLLER if they need help.
Eating microwave popcorn out a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank.
When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the answer.
You find yourself checking out other customer's arm veins in grocery waiting lines.
You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner break, sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up.
You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
You've sworn you're going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on your chest.
SMART ASS ANSWERS according to Reader's Digest:
Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Smart Ass Answer #1:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
* He keeps shaking black crystal ball and says, "Ask again later."
* Every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"
* Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.
* His idea of an "out of body experience" involves whipped cream and women's clothing.
* His spoon bending requires two pliers.
* Sign in window: "As Seen on '60 Minutes."
* During card-reading, asks if you want to "hit" or "stand."
* Insists that your astrological sign is "The Armadillo."
* Psychics Magazine rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your mom.
* Repeatedly attempts to read your palm with his genitalia.
* Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm.
Who's there?
Axel!
Axel who?
Axeldental Tourist!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Atch!
Atch who?
I'm sorry I didn't know you had a cold!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Athena!
Athena who?
Athena flying saucer!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Argo!
Argo who?
Argo down the shops!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna one, anna two...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna going to tell you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anne Boleyn!
Anne Boleyn who?
Anne Boleyn alley!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amin!
Amin who?
Amin thing to do!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ammonia!
Ammonia who?
Ammonia little kid!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Audrey!
Audrey who?
Audrey be doing this!Knock Knock
Who's there?
Augusta!
Augusta who?
Augusta go home now!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aunt Lou!
Aunt Lou who?
Aunt Lou do you think you are!
A salesman is driving toward home in northern Ontario when he sees an Indian thumbing for a ride on the side of the road.
As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Indian gets in.
After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in bag?", the Indian asks the driver.
The driver says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Indian is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
A old blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."
An old man went to the social security office to sign up.
He had stood in the line for a very long time until it was finally his turn. The lady behind the counter ask him for identification. He went to get his wallet out of his back pocket and relized he had left it at home. The lady told him that was alright he could just show her his chest hairs and if they were grey she knew he was old enough for social security.
After everything was done there he went home and told his wife how his day went. He told her that he had forgotten his wallet at home and the lady at the social security office just ask him to pull down the front of his shirt and she could tell he was old enough.
After listening to his story his wife told him if he had dropped his pants he probably could have gotten disability too.
For Coffee Drinkers: You know you are addicted to coffee if ...
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."
Seen in my local paper's "readers sales" section.
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica.
45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
£1000 pounds or best offer.
Reason for sale:- No longer required.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.
Q. Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A. He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Q. How do you tease fruit?
A. Banananananananana!
Q. Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
A. Because he wanted to work over-time!
Q. Why did Tommy throw the clock out of the window?
A. Because he wanted to see time fly!
Q. How does a moulded fruit-flavoured dessert answer the phone?
A. Jell-o!
Q. When do you stop at green and go at red?
A. When you're eating a watermelon!
Q. How did the farmer mend his pants?
A. With cabbage patches!
Ride Damage Survey
This practical joke is best done to people who are truly anal about their car, truck, whatever. The type that parks their car 20 hectares away from the mall to avoid it getting touched by human kind. When your buddy leaves the car, get your friend to place a note on the windshield that reads "Sorry, about the scratch. We will take car of any damage." and add a fake phone number. Then as you come out with your buddy from the mall, and they read the note, let the search for the non-existent scratch begin. You can help by point out "potential" scratches, watching him or her run over to see, only to realize it's just dirt. This one can done from afar so that you can have practical fun watching the owner of the survey for damage rather than you helping out, can be even more hilarious.
I Didn't Type That!
Microsoft Word and most likely a bunch of other word processing programs now come with something called "AutoCorrect". When a common misspelling is made, it checks a list for it, and makes the corresponding correction. Example, it would change "adn" to "and". The magic of this is that it is user editable! Hop onto your co-workers workstation, load up their word processor's AutoCorrect list, and let your imagination run rampant. First start with the small, but most aggravating ones by reversing what is already in the list, change the corrections to the misspellings! Then move to even more humorous stuff like company acronyms, people's names, it's endless! Then watch to see how long it takes before they switch the blame from their own typing, to the word processor, and eventually to their sick minded co-worker... you!
Declined Funds
Superglue a quarter to the ground in front of a vending machine. Only time-lapse photography could truly show the ingeniousness of such a practical joke, but sticking around for an hour gives you a pretty good idea of how cheap people really are.
Dry This
Park your car on a the street facing traffic, using a dark colour late model domestic sedan adds to the authenticity of this prank. Wear dark clothes and wear sunglasses and hold a hair dryer out the window and watch in delight as car come squealing to a halt as they pass you.
Flash Gordon
In countries that use speed cameras, park your car on the side of the road at night, preferably somewhere you can hide well. As cars pass you, take pictures with your camera, the flash will lead the drivers to believe they have just been caught speeding. Watch the glow of red lights as they slow down after realizing they just got a ticket for speeding. Too bad you can't be there to witness the months of anxiety waiting for the non-existent traffic violation to arrive by mail to all these "speeding" drivers.
Chalk Burn
Teacher or professor giving you a hard time? Grab their blackboard chalk and drill a small hole straight down from the writing end, insert a match, and fill the hole with a blend of chalk dust and glue. Put the chalk back and watch the panic when smokes starts to spew!
Show Your Colours
Place a "Gay Pride" sticker on your homophobic buddy's car. The joke only gets more amusing the longer the person doesn't realize it is there. This works great for people that reverse into parking spots and tend not to walk around the back of their car.
24. When they ask how you are today proceed by telling them about your diarrhea problems, most likely due to the burger you bought from them yesterday and the day before that.
25. Go through a drive through after they tell you to pull to the window drive past it and go inside to get your order.
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Crazy things to do in an elevator:
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When at your floor, strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
One word: Flatulence!
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter "Gotta go...Gotta go..." then sigh and say "Oops!"
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
Stare at a passenger and announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say "Mmmm... tasty!"
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and inform the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!
Funny Quotes From Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Well, there was no sex for 14 days." -on getting the cold shoulder from his wife after backing President George W. Bush at the Republican Convention
"To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say, Don't be economic girlie men!" –at the Republican convention
"If they don't have the guts to come up here in front of you and say, 'I don't want to represent you, I want to represent those special interests, the unions, the trial lawyers ... if they don't have the guts, I call them girlie men." –describing Democratic lawmakers in California
"All of a sudden, we see riots, we see protests, we see people clashing. The next thing we know, there is injured or there is dead people. We don't want to get to that extent." –on the dangers posed by gay marriage
"It's the most difficult [decision] I've made in my entire life, except the one I made in 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax." –announcing his gubernatorial candidacy on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno"
"I can promise you that when I go to Sacramento, I will pump up Sacramento." –on "The Tonight Show"
"As you know, I don't need to take any money from anybody. I have plenty of money myself. I will make the decisions for the people."
"We have to make sure everyone in California has a great job. A fantastic job!"
"The public doesn't care about figures." -discussing his economic views
"Don't worry about that." -on the environment
"From the time they get up in the morning and flush the toilet, they're taxed. Then they go and get the cup of coffee, they're taxed....This goes on all day long. Tax, tax, tax."
"I saw this toilet bowl. How many times do you get away with this — to take a woman, grab her upside down, and bury her face in a toilet bowl? I wanted to have something floating there ... The thing is, you can do it, because in the end, I didn't do it to a woman — she's a machine! We could get away with it without being crucified by who-knows-what group." -describing a scene in "Terminator 3"
"This is really embarrassing. I just forgot our state governor's name, but I know that you will help me recall him." –speaking to a taxpayer advocacy group
"As much as when you see a blonde with great tits and a great ass, you say to yourself, 'Hey, she must be stupid or must have nothing else to offer,' which maybe is the case many times. But then again there is the one that is as smart as her breasts look, great as her face looks, beautiful as her whole body looks gorgeous, you know, so people are shocked." –in an interview with Esquire
"The best activities for your health are pumping and humping."
"Having a pump is like having sex. I train two, sometimes three times a day. Each time I get a pump. It's great. I feel like I'm coming all day."
"I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."
"I have inhaled, exhaled everything."
"That was another thing I will never forgive the Republican Party for. I was ashamed to call myself a Republican during that period." -on the Clinton impeachment
"Having chicks around is the kind of thing that breaks up the intense training. It gives you relief, and then afterward you go back to the serious stuff."
"Nixon was always being attacked sexually. It was always said that he was a fag and that he had no sexual relations with his wife for 15 years and that was why he liked power. And Hitler had only one ball, and that was why he wanted to conquer the world." -in a 1977 interview with Time Out
"My friends don't want me to mention Kurt's name, because of all the recent Nazi stuff and the U.N. controversy, but I love him and Maria does too, and so thank you, Kurt." –on his friend and fellow Austrian Kurt Waldheim, a Nazi war criminal
"My relationship to power and authority is that I'm all for it. People need somebody to watch over them. Ninety-five percent of the people in the world need to be told what to do and how to behave." –in a 1990 interview with U.S. News
"I was always dreaming about very powerful people - dictators and things like that. I was just always impressed by people who could be remembered for hundreds of years, or even, like Jesus, be for thousands of years remembered." –in the 1977 film "Pumping Iron"
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge.
Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.
Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've got to be faster than that.
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave
Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin
Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.
There are ways to make just about any situation fun, even going to your dorm shower...
1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!"
2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure your clothes get all wet and soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed.
3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.
4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luther's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.
5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim "Ow! You know, it really hurts when you pop one of those." Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.
6. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall return it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.
7. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.
8. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them "not to do it" and ask them "not to give in to sin." Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.
9. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residual water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleships over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didn't know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.
10. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage "ditch." Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.
Some fun things to do the next time you're on one of those long international flights to kill time...
Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes.
When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud.
When there's any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes.
Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.
Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.
Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places.
Run down the aisle screaming, "He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!".
Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.
Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Would Be Cooler if He Lived in the Star Wars Universe
1. Due to high loss-of-hand rate, wearing one glove is fashionably acceptable.
2. Would not have needed huge effects budget for 'Captain EO'.
3. In shocking revelation, he might have really been the father of Billie Jean's son.
4. Could really walk on moons.
5. After skin-altering disease, could become Light Lord of the Sith.
6. Could ease tensions between Empire and Alliance with anti-violence message of 'Beat It'.
7. Imperial breath mask could give him the deep voice he never had.
8. Improved medical technology could make new nose and chin more realistic.
9. Would have sure-fire hit with Sy Snootles duet
10. Would strengthen characterization of movies by making Luke look manly.
Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy !!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and the New York Mets have in common?
A: They're both walking around with one glove on their hand for no apparent reason whatsoever!!
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in !!
9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".
3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
1. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."
YOU MAY NEED A NEW PSYCHIC IF...
* He keeps shaking black crystal ball and says, "Ask again later."
* Every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"
* Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.
* His idea of an "out of body experience" involves whipped cream and women's clothing.
* His spoon bending requires two pliers.
* Sign in window: "As Seen on '60 Minutes."
* During card-reading, asks if you want to "hit" or "stand."
* Insists that your astrological sign is "The Armadillo."
* Psychics Magazine rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your mom.
* Repeatedly attempts to read your palm with his genitalia.
* Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Avocado!
Avocado who?
Avocado a cold!
Knock KnockWho's there?
Avocado!
Avocado who?
Avocado a cold!
Who's there?
Axel!
Axel who?
Axeldental Tourist!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Atch!
Atch who?
I'm sorry I didn't know you had a cold!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Athena!
Athena who?
Athena flying saucer!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Argo!
Argo who?
Argo down the shops!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna one, anna two...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna going to tell you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anne Boleyn!
Anne Boleyn who?
Anne Boleyn alley!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amin!
Amin who?
Amin thing to do!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ammonia!
Ammonia who?
Ammonia little kid!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Audrey!
Audrey who?
Audrey be doing this!Knock Knock
Who's there?
Augusta!
Augusta who?
Augusta go home now!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aunt Lou!
Aunt Lou who?
Aunt Lou do you think you are!
A salesman is driving toward home in northern Ontario when he sees an Indian thumbing for a ride on the side of the road.
As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Indian gets in.
After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in bag?", the Indian asks the driver.
The driver says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Indian is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q. When will my baby move?A. No, 35 children is enough.
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
A old blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."
An old man went to the social security office to sign up.
He had stood in the line for a very long time until it was finally his turn. The lady behind the counter ask him for identification. He went to get his wallet out of his back pocket and relized he had left it at home. The lady told him that was alright he could just show her his chest hairs and if they were grey she knew he was old enough for social security.
After everything was done there he went home and told his wife how his day went. He told her that he had forgotten his wallet at home and the lady at the social security office just ask him to pull down the front of his shirt and she could tell he was old enough.
After listening to his story his wife told him if he had dropped his pants he probably could have gotten disability too.
For Coffee Drinkers: You know you are addicted to coffee if ...
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."
Seen in my local paper's "readers sales" section.
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica.
45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
£1000 pounds or best offer.
Reason for sale:- No longer required.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.
Q. Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A. He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Q. How do you tease fruit?
A. Banananananananana!
Q. Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
A. Because he wanted to work over-time!
Q. Why did Tommy throw the clock out of the window?
A. Because he wanted to see time fly!
Q. How does a moulded fruit-flavoured dessert answer the phone?
A. Jell-o!
Q. When do you stop at green and go at red?
A. When you're eating a watermelon!
Q. How did the farmer mend his pants?
A. With cabbage patches!
Ride Damage Survey
This practical joke is best done to people who are truly anal about their car, truck, whatever. The type that parks their car 20 hectares away from the mall to avoid it getting touched by human kind. When your buddy leaves the car, get your friend to place a note on the windshield that reads "Sorry, about the scratch. We will take car of any damage." and add a fake phone number. Then as you come out with your buddy from the mall, and they read the note, let the search for the non-existent scratch begin. You can help by point out "potential" scratches, watching him or her run over to see, only to realize it's just dirt. This one can done from afar so that you can have practical fun watching the owner of the survey for damage rather than you helping out, can be even more hilarious.
I Didn't Type That!
Microsoft Word and most likely a bunch of other word processing programs now come with something called "AutoCorrect". When a common misspelling is made, it checks a list for it, and makes the corresponding correction. Example, it would change "adn" to "and". The magic of this is that it is user editable! Hop onto your co-workers workstation, load up their word processor's AutoCorrect list, and let your imagination run rampant. First start with the small, but most aggravating ones by reversing what is already in the list, change the corrections to the misspellings! Then move to even more humorous stuff like company acronyms, people's names, it's endless! Then watch to see how long it takes before they switch the blame from their own typing, to the word processor, and eventually to their sick minded co-worker... you!
Declined Funds
Superglue a quarter to the ground in front of a vending machine. Only time-lapse photography could truly show the ingeniousness of such a practical joke, but sticking around for an hour gives you a pretty good idea of how cheap people really are.
Dry This
Park your car on a the street facing traffic, using a dark colour late model domestic sedan adds to the authenticity of this prank. Wear dark clothes and wear sunglasses and hold a hair dryer out the window and watch in delight as car come squealing to a halt as they pass you.
Flash Gordon
In countries that use speed cameras, park your car on the side of the road at night, preferably somewhere you can hide well. As cars pass you, take pictures with your camera, the flash will lead the drivers to believe they have just been caught speeding. Watch the glow of red lights as they slow down after realizing they just got a ticket for speeding. Too bad you can't be there to witness the months of anxiety waiting for the non-existent traffic violation to arrive by mail to all these "speeding" drivers.
Chalk Burn
Teacher or professor giving you a hard time? Grab their blackboard chalk and drill a small hole straight down from the writing end, insert a match, and fill the hole with a blend of chalk dust and glue. Put the chalk back and watch the panic when smokes starts to spew!
Show Your Colours
Place a "Gay Pride" sticker on your homophobic buddy's car. The joke only gets more amusing the longer the person doesn't realize it is there. This works great for people that reverse into parking spots and tend not to walk around the back of their car.
Haven't you ever had the urge to loose control when ordering that burrito or burger and drink combo?
1. Ask for last months specials.
2. Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up.
3. When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.
4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.
5. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese.
6. When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.
7. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.
8. Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order.
9. Go through the drive through in reverse, again.
10. Wait for the busiest time of day, after paying get out of car, get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires.
11. Check oil in drive through, possibly touch up the windscreen with some glass cleaner.
12. Walk up to drive through window with hands in the air like your holding onto a steering wheel.
13. Go through drive through and ask for directions to the place you're at.
14. Go through drive through naked, excluding the rabbit slippers of course!
15. Go inside and ask in a load voice if they got rid of the Ebola problems they've been having
16. Argue with your passenger (that's not there) and continue until you pay.
17. When they ask if that will be all tell them to hold on, your dog won't make up his mind.
18. After eating half your meal return it and say you got the wrong thing and ask for a refund.
19. As you're pulling away and they say "Have a nice day!" (with that retarded smile) put the car in reverse and ask them what the hell that's supposed to mean.
20. Order something from one fast food place then go to another drive through when they give you your food take one bite and say "No thank you
this tastes better (pointing to bag from other place), may i have my money back."
21. Play name that tune with person taking the order.
22. Pretend your deaf and order in sign language.
23. Go through Taco Bell order the 7 layer burrito. When they repeat your order ask if each layer of the burrito is sold separately.1. Ask for last months specials.
2. Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up.
3. When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.
4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.
5. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese.
6. When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.
7. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.
8. Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order.
9. Go through the drive through in reverse, again.
10. Wait for the busiest time of day, after paying get out of car, get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires.
11. Check oil in drive through, possibly touch up the windscreen with some glass cleaner.
12. Walk up to drive through window with hands in the air like your holding onto a steering wheel.
13. Go through drive through and ask for directions to the place you're at.
14. Go through drive through naked, excluding the rabbit slippers of course!
15. Go inside and ask in a load voice if they got rid of the Ebola problems they've been having
16. Argue with your passenger (that's not there) and continue until you pay.
17. When they ask if that will be all tell them to hold on, your dog won't make up his mind.
18. After eating half your meal return it and say you got the wrong thing and ask for a refund.
19. As you're pulling away and they say "Have a nice day!" (with that retarded smile) put the car in reverse and ask them what the hell that's supposed to mean.
20. Order something from one fast food place then go to another drive through when they give you your food take one bite and say "No thank you
this tastes better (pointing to bag from other place), may i have my money back."
21. Play name that tune with person taking the order.
22. Pretend your deaf and order in sign language.
24. When they ask how you are today proceed by telling them about your diarrhea problems, most likely due to the burger you bought from them yesterday and the day before that.
25. Go through a drive through after they tell you to pull to the window drive past it and go inside to get your order.
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Crazy things to do in an elevator:
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When at your floor, strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
One word: Flatulence!
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter "Gotta go...Gotta go..." then sigh and say "Oops!"
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
Stare at a passenger and announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say "Mmmm... tasty!"
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and inform the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!
Funny Quotes From Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Well, there was no sex for 14 days." -on getting the cold shoulder from his wife after backing President George W. Bush at the Republican Convention
"To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say, Don't be economic girlie men!" –at the Republican convention
"If they don't have the guts to come up here in front of you and say, 'I don't want to represent you, I want to represent those special interests, the unions, the trial lawyers ... if they don't have the guts, I call them girlie men." –describing Democratic lawmakers in California
"All of a sudden, we see riots, we see protests, we see people clashing. The next thing we know, there is injured or there is dead people. We don't want to get to that extent." –on the dangers posed by gay marriage
"It's the most difficult [decision] I've made in my entire life, except the one I made in 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax." –announcing his gubernatorial candidacy on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno"
"I can promise you that when I go to Sacramento, I will pump up Sacramento." –on "The Tonight Show"
"As you know, I don't need to take any money from anybody. I have plenty of money myself. I will make the decisions for the people."
"We have to make sure everyone in California has a great job. A fantastic job!"
"The public doesn't care about figures." -discussing his economic views
"Don't worry about that." -on the environment
"From the time they get up in the morning and flush the toilet, they're taxed. Then they go and get the cup of coffee, they're taxed....This goes on all day long. Tax, tax, tax."
"I saw this toilet bowl. How many times do you get away with this — to take a woman, grab her upside down, and bury her face in a toilet bowl? I wanted to have something floating there ... The thing is, you can do it, because in the end, I didn't do it to a woman — she's a machine! We could get away with it without being crucified by who-knows-what group." -describing a scene in "Terminator 3"
"This is really embarrassing. I just forgot our state governor's name, but I know that you will help me recall him." –speaking to a taxpayer advocacy group
"As much as when you see a blonde with great tits and a great ass, you say to yourself, 'Hey, she must be stupid or must have nothing else to offer,' which maybe is the case many times. But then again there is the one that is as smart as her breasts look, great as her face looks, beautiful as her whole body looks gorgeous, you know, so people are shocked." –in an interview with Esquire
"The best activities for your health are pumping and humping."
"Having a pump is like having sex. I train two, sometimes three times a day. Each time I get a pump. It's great. I feel like I'm coming all day."
"I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."
"I have inhaled, exhaled everything."
"That was another thing I will never forgive the Republican Party for. I was ashamed to call myself a Republican during that period." -on the Clinton impeachment
"Having chicks around is the kind of thing that breaks up the intense training. It gives you relief, and then afterward you go back to the serious stuff."
"Nixon was always being attacked sexually. It was always said that he was a fag and that he had no sexual relations with his wife for 15 years and that was why he liked power. And Hitler had only one ball, and that was why he wanted to conquer the world." -in a 1977 interview with Time Out
"My friends don't want me to mention Kurt's name, because of all the recent Nazi stuff and the U.N. controversy, but I love him and Maria does too, and so thank you, Kurt." –on his friend and fellow Austrian Kurt Waldheim, a Nazi war criminal
"My relationship to power and authority is that I'm all for it. People need somebody to watch over them. Ninety-five percent of the people in the world need to be told what to do and how to behave." –in a 1990 interview with U.S. News
"I was always dreaming about very powerful people - dictators and things like that. I was just always impressed by people who could be remembered for hundreds of years, or even, like Jesus, be for thousands of years remembered." –in the 1977 film "Pumping Iron"
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
Ways To Have Fun in the Workplace
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge.
Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.
Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've got to be faster than that.
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave
Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin
Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!
Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"
Ways to have fun at the supermarket:
- Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
- Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
- Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
- Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
- Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
- Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
- Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
- Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
- When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
- Tell an employee in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
Telemarketers suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid your life of them for good...
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.
There are ways to make just about any situation fun, even going to your dorm shower...
1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!"
2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure your clothes get all wet and soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed.
3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.
4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luther's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.
5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim "Ow! You know, it really hurts when you pop one of those." Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.
6. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall return it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.
7. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.
8. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them "not to do it" and ask them "not to give in to sin." Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.
9. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residual water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleships over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didn't know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.
10. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage "ditch." Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.
Some fun things to do the next time you're on one of those long international flights to kill time...
Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes.
When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud.
When there's any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes.
Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.
Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.
Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places.
Run down the aisle screaming, "He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!".
Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.
Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Would Be Cooler if He Lived in the Star Wars Universe
1. Due to high loss-of-hand rate, wearing one glove is fashionably acceptable.
2. Would not have needed huge effects budget for 'Captain EO'.
3. In shocking revelation, he might have really been the father of Billie Jean's son.
4. Could really walk on moons.
5. After skin-altering disease, could become Light Lord of the Sith.
6. Could ease tensions between Empire and Alliance with anti-violence message of 'Beat It'.
7. Imperial breath mask could give him the deep voice he never had.
8. Improved medical technology could make new nose and chin more realistic.
9. Would have sure-fire hit with Sy Snootles duet
10. Would strengthen characterization of movies by making Luke look manly.
Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy !!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and the New York Mets have in common?
A: They're both walking around with one glove on their hand for no apparent reason whatsoever!!
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in !!
Top 10 Things to do at the Mall
10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".
3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
1. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."
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