Marriage, Husband and Wife jokes is a collection of amusing jokes about husbands fighting with wives, wives who never shut their mouth and then both of them lamenting about their marriage.
Man and Wife Jokes
The definition of a happy man is a man who earns more per month than his wife can spend in a week.
The definition of a happy man is a man who earns more per month than his wife can spend in a week.
Ha ha ha
Two married woman were talking one day over a cup of coffee. One of them asks:
My husband is very busy lately and I don’t like that at all.
Why, what has he been doing?
Whatever I tell him to.
Hey Doc! I think I sleep talk!
What makes you think that?
I wake up hoarse every morning
A woman at the doctor:
Doc, what do you have for my wrinkles?
Utmost respect!
Two married woman were talking one day over a cup of coffee. One of them asks:
My husband is very busy lately and I don’t like that at all.
Why, what has he been doing?
Whatever I tell him to.
Hey Doc! I think I sleep talk!
What makes you think that?
I wake up hoarse every morning
A woman at the doctor:
Doc, what do you have for my wrinkles?
Utmost respect!
Funniest
After a two month relationship a woman asks her boyfriend:
Sweetie, when will I meet your relatives?
Darling, it’s difficult right now. The kids are at their grandma and my wife is in a business trip.
A con’s wife goes to the jail and tells the warden:
Sir, please offer my husband an easier job in jail, he didn’t kill nobody!
Miss, he’s only washing the dishes, why is that so hard?
The idiot told me he has to dig a tunnel!
Tow man talking:
Do you say a prayer before every meal?
There’s no need, I don’t allow my wife to cook for me.
A man tells another:
I’m finally a “somebody”.
Why so, did you get a promotion? , sais the other
No! Yesterday my wife yelled: “ Somebody take the garbage out!”
Two friends talking:
Let me show you a rare collectible photograph I just managed to take.
I see nothing special, it’s your wife.
Yes, and I managed to catch her with her mouth shut!
A groom and the bride’s father were sitting down only minutes before the wedding’s start, and the groom asks:
What is your return policy in this contract?
After a two month relationship a woman asks her boyfriend:
Sweetie, when will I meet your relatives?
Darling, it’s difficult right now. The kids are at their grandma and my wife is in a business trip.
A con’s wife goes to the jail and tells the warden:
Sir, please offer my husband an easier job in jail, he didn’t kill nobody!
Miss, he’s only washing the dishes, why is that so hard?
The idiot told me he has to dig a tunnel!
Tow man talking:
Do you say a prayer before every meal?
There’s no need, I don’t allow my wife to cook for me.
A man tells another:
I’m finally a “somebody”.
Why so, did you get a promotion? , sais the other
No! Yesterday my wife yelled: “ Somebody take the garbage out!”
Two friends talking:
Let me show you a rare collectible photograph I just managed to take.
I see nothing special, it’s your wife.
Yes, and I managed to catch her with her mouth shut!
A groom and the bride’s father were sitting down only minutes before the wedding’s start, and the groom asks:
What is your return policy in this contract?
Man and God
Why did God create the Woman after he created the man? He said to himself...I can do much better than this!
Man to God:
Why did you make the woman so beautiful?
So you will love her!
And why did you make her so stupid?
So she can love you!
Why did God create the Woman after he created the man? He said to himself...I can do much better than this!
Why did God create the Woman after he created the man? He said to himself...I can do much better than this!
Man to God:
Why did you make the woman so beautiful?
So you will love her!
And why did you make her so stupid?
So she can love you!
Why did God create the Woman after he created the man? He said to himself...I can do much better than this!
Marriage
Marriage is a great institution! It helps two people handle the same amount of problems together. Problems they would have never had but for marriage.
The jury found you guilty of bigamy. You are sentenced to 8
years in prison. This is not a good moment for you to laugh so
you’d better behave!”
“I’m sorry, Your Honor, I was afraid the jury would acquit me!”
Marriage is a great institution! It helps two people handle the same amount of problems together. Problems they would have never had but for marriage.
The jury found you guilty of bigamy. You are sentenced to 8
years in prison. This is not a good moment for you to laugh so
you’d better behave!”
“I’m sorry, Your Honor, I was afraid the jury would acquit me!”
Husband and Wife Hilarious Jokes
Saturday morning I woke up in a hurry, dressed up quietly, got my lunch ready, took the dog, and then rushed to the garage where I attached the boat to my jeep and I was on my way. Unfortunately the weather was terrible so I had to head back home and park the car back in the garage. The weather channels announced no improvement whatsoever so I decided to get back in the house. I undressed again and I sneaked next to my wife whispering:
"Terrible weather outside..."
She replied "Can you believe my husband is stupid enough to go fishing on this storm?"
When a man opens the car door for the women one thing is for sure. Either the car is new or the woman is.
A woman tells her husband:
I was crazy when I decided to marry you!
I know... but I was in love and didn’t see that back then.
Saturday morning I woke up in a hurry, dressed up quietly, got my lunch ready, took the dog, and then rushed to the garage where I attached the boat to my jeep and I was on my way. Unfortunately the weather was terrible so I had to head back home and park the car back in the garage. The weather channels announced no improvement whatsoever so I decided to get back in the house. I undressed again and I sneaked next to my wife whispering:
"Terrible weather outside..."
She replied "Can you believe my husband is stupid enough to go fishing on this storm?"
When a man opens the car door for the women one thing is for sure. Either the car is new or the woman is.
A woman tells her husband:
I was crazy when I decided to marry you!
I know... but I was in love and didn’t see that back then.
Marriage Jokes
A child asks his father:
Dad is it true that in some African cultures the husband only meets the woman after the marriage?
It’s the same all over the world kid!
A married couple:
You promised you’d give up drinking and become another man! , said the wife.
I did! It’s only that the other man likes to drink as well!
A couple after 30 years of marriage:
Sweetie did you miss me yesterday?, said the husband
Why? You didn’t sleep at home?
Why shouldn’t men consume alcohol while being out in town with the car?
Because they will have to let their wives drive the cars back home.
A woman goes to a perfume store to buy something new and asks the seller:
I'd like something that would make my husband spend more time with me. Do you have something that smells like a computer?
A child asks his father:
Dad is it true that in some African cultures the husband only meets the woman after the marriage?
It’s the same all over the world kid!
A married couple:
You promised you’d give up drinking and become another man! , said the wife.
I did! It’s only that the other man likes to drink as well!
A couple after 30 years of marriage:
Sweetie did you miss me yesterday?, said the husband
Why? You didn’t sleep at home?
Why shouldn’t men consume alcohol while being out in town with the car?
Because they will have to let their wives drive the cars back home.
A woman goes to a perfume store to buy something new and asks the seller:
I'd like something that would make my husband spend more time with me. Do you have something that smells like a computer?
Hilarious and Amusing
A mom was putting her baby to bed and tells him:
Baby if you’re scared at night, or you need anything don’t hesitate to call mommy and wake her up!
And will you come help me?
No! I’ll send your father.
A couple in bed:
Did you ever thought how life would have been if you would have been a man, darling?
Of course I did! How about you?
A man runs like hell through the city and he finally reaches his friend’s apartment. All sweaty and panting he said:
I came to warn you! I got here as quick as I can!
Why what happened?! , said the other man in a bit of a shock
My wife bought a new fur coat and she’s heading towards your wife to show it to her!
A woman was waiting frustrated for her husband to come home from work. When he finally came she asked:
We’ve been together for 15 years and our eldest son is 24 years old now. Didn’t you ever think about that? Don’t you think it’s time for
marriage?
Yes! I did thought of that! You’re younger you still have a chance, but who would marry me at this age?
A mom was putting her baby to bed and tells him:
Baby if you’re scared at night, or you need anything don’t hesitate to call mommy and wake her up!
And will you come help me?
No! I’ll send your father.
A couple in bed:
Did you ever thought how life would have been if you would have been a man, darling?
Of course I did! How about you?
A man runs like hell through the city and he finally reaches his friend’s apartment. All sweaty and panting he said:
I came to warn you! I got here as quick as I can!
Why what happened?! , said the other man in a bit of a shock
My wife bought a new fur coat and she’s heading towards your wife to show it to her!
A woman was waiting frustrated for her husband to come home from work. When he finally came she asked:
We’ve been together for 15 years and our eldest son is 24 years old now. Didn’t you ever think about that? Don’t you think it’s time for
marriage?
Yes! I did thought of that! You’re younger you still have a chance, but who would marry me at this age?
Some more marriage, husband and wife jokes
A tenant screams after the administrator of the building:
“Come quick! My mother in law wants to jump out the window!”
“And what do you need me for?”
“I can’t get the window to open!”
Why is drinking and driving so dangerous for a married man?
Because he has to hand over the keys to his wife!
Garry goes home drunk one night with a friend to show him his new house.
“Try to be quiet. I don’t want my wife to get up!”
“Here it is...this is the kitchen...this is the living room, that’s the bathroom and this is the bedroom. That one in the bed is my wife and the other one is me..”
A couple arrives at the countryside:
“Honey this scenery leaves me speechless!” says she.
“Great! Then we’ll camp here!” replies the man.
A tenant screams after the administrator of the building:
“Come quick! My mother in law wants to jump out the window!”
“And what do you need me for?”
“I can’t get the window to open!”
Why is drinking and driving so dangerous for a married man?
Because he has to hand over the keys to his wife!
Garry goes home drunk one night with a friend to show him his new house.
“Try to be quiet. I don’t want my wife to get up!”
“Here it is...this is the kitchen...this is the living room, that’s the bathroom and this is the bedroom. That one in the bed is my wife and the other one is me..”
A couple arrives at the countryside:
“Honey this scenery leaves me speechless!” says she.
“Great! Then we’ll camp here!” replies the man.
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