humorous Quotes

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~Fred Allen





Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you'll be disconnected. ---Unknown





There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

STEVEN WRIGHT





The profoundly humorous writers are humorous because they are responsive to the hopeless, uncouth, concatenations of life.- V.S. Pritchett





There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good

sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

-- Woody Allen





Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind. ----Evan Esar





Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress, but I repeat myself.----MarkTwain





This pig, is pig, a pig, good pig, way pig, to pig, keep pig, an pig, idiot pig, busy pig, for pig, 20 pig, seconds pig! ... Now read without the word pig.





Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers. - Frank King, Winter Olympic Games organizing committee chairman.





You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. ---ELLEN DEGENERES





A rich man's joke is always funny ---- Thomas Browne, Sr.





Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't. A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is. ----Horace Walpole English novelist





A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad. – ----Theodore Roosevelt.





Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.--- Woody Allen





I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.---- Emo Philips





A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. ---Zsa Zsa Gabor