Q. What is Snoop Dog's favorite weather?
A. Drizzle
Q. Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 10 years?
A. Michael Jackson
Q. Why did Michael Jackson call Boys II Men?
A. He thought it was a home delivery service.
A. Drizzle
Q. Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 10 years?
A. Michael Jackson
Q. Why did Michael Jackson call Boys II Men?
A. He thought it was a home delivery service.
Michael Jackson is so bad he could have been a Catholic priest.
Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies
-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
Comedians' Best Lines, 1997
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
--Larry Miller
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
--Christopher Case
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"
--Jake Johansen
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
--Dick Cavett
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
--A. Whitney Brown
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
--Jon Stewart
"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."
--Jack Mayberry
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."
--Bruce Baum
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
--Rita Mae Brown
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
--Rita Rudner
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."
--Jay Leno
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my....I could be eating a slow learner."
--????
Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him." "And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly. "And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnie.
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking goofy!"
Q. What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?
A. They both live off dead Beatles.
A. They both live off dead Beatles.
Q. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed her hands off.
A. She screamed her hands off.
Q. What does McDonald's and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both stick their meat in 13 year old buns.
A. They both stick their meat in 13 year old buns.
Q. What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
A. The Spice Girls!
A. The Spice Girls!
Q. Why does Michael Jackson scream?
A. Because it hurts.
A. Because it hurts.
Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest record?
A: "Feel the World."
Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest song?
A: "Don't let your son go down on me."
Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Little Boy Blew.
Q: What did Michael Jackson tell the little boy?
A: "The way you make me feel, it really turns me on!"
Q: What did Michael Jackson say when a boy in a car mooned him going down the road?
A: "I'll be there!"
Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite gospel song?
A: "And then he touched me"
Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Lorena Bobbit?
A: "SILLY Bobbit! Dicks are for KIDS!"
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Miss Bobbit have in common?
A: They both played with little wieners.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?
A: He ate a nine year old wiener!
Q: Why did Michael Jackson get kicked out of the school cafeteria?
A: Because he ate all the kids' wieners.
Q: What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?
A: Foreplay.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and an Xbox have in common?
A: Both get turned on by kids!!!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
A: They both leave little boys' rooms with empty sacks.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Dr. Spock have in common?
A: They both know how to rear a child.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan have in common?
A: They both play ball in the Minor League.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan?
A: One is in the Minors, the other is into Minors.
Q: Why's Michael trying out for the NBA?
A: He's a crack shooter.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
A: One was the first man to walk on the moon, and the other f***s little boys.
Q: What does Michael have in common with NASA?
A: It's been 25 years since his first moon landing.
Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite holiday?
A: Christmas because he gives the well behaved kids a special gift...
Q: Where's Michael going on holiday?
A: He's off to Tampa with the kids.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Wal-mart have in common?
A: They both have small boys pants at half off!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Wal-mart have in common?
A: They both wait 3 months after the child is born to give piercings.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to K Mart?
A: He heard they had small boys pants half off.
Q: What does Michael Jackson think of when he sees a boy in a McDonald's suit?
A: A happy meal.
McDonald's is bringing out a new "Michael Jackson Burger"...
It has 35 year old meat inside 5 year old buns.
The new burger at McDonald's is called the McJackson.
It consists of matured beef between two fresh white buns.
Q: What do Michael's rear and an LA jail have in common?
A: Both hold the juice.
Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!
Q: Why does Michael Jackson want to move to Ohio?
A: He heard there's a Youngstown there.
Q: What's Micheal Jackson's Chinese name?
A: Melikeemyoung.
Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson was taken to the Emergency Room?
A: He was choking on a small bone!
Q: Did you hear about the new McDonalds McJackson sandwich?
A: It's a 35 year old slab of meat between two 12 year old buns.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They're both 30 year old meat between 10 year old buns!
Q: How many times does 12 go into 35?
A: Ask Michael Jackson.
Q: What's 6 + 46 + 5?
A: A threesome with Michael Jackson.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year old boyfriends?
A: Because there are twenty of them!
Q: How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Michael Jackson only screws little boys!
Q: Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael?
A: He doesn't mind reaching bottom.
Q: What's soft and brown and sometimes found in little boy's diapers?
A: Michael Jackson's hand!
Q: What's the worst stain to try and remove from little boy's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's makeup.
Q: What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?
A: His other hand.
Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
A: The bread goes in brown, and comes out white.
Q: Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet?
A: Emily Dick in son.
Q: Why did Michael invite Macaulay Culkin to the house?
A: He's like the little boy he never had.
Q: How did Michael actually proposition the little boy?
A: It was just a slip of the tongue.
Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun!
Q: What did Michael Jackson yell when he fell off the boat?
A: Throw me the bouy!!
Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy!
Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A: There's a Big Wheel parked outside his house!
Q: How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
A: By all the Big Wheels in his driveway.
Q: How does Michael like to party?
A: He sips a couple of Tall Boys.
Q: What's Michael's favorite snack?
A: Slim Jims.
Q: What's Michael's favorite fast food?
A: Big Boys.
Q: What's Michael's favorite dish?
A: Creamed shrimp.
Q. Did you hear Michael Jackson is moving to PA... Guess which town? A. Dubois.
Q: Why is Michael so tough?
A: He can lick any kid on the block.
Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect "10"?
A: Two 5 year olds.
Q: Why was Michael Jackson kicked out of the Boy Scouts?
A: He was up to two packs a day.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Rum have in common?
A: They both come in small tots.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?
A: They both come in tots.
Q: What does Michael hand round after dinner?
A: The under Eights.
Q: What does Michael Jackson give his guests after dinner?
A: Instead of after eight mints, he gives them under eight children.
Q: What's black and white and comes in little cans?
A: Michael Jackson.
Q: Hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?
A: It comes in a little can.
Q: Have you seen the new Michael Jackson candy bar?
A: It's white chocolate with no nuts.... (but kids like it)
Q: What's sex like for Michael?
A: Like taking candy from a baby.
Q: What is the worst thing about making love to Michael Jackson?
A: When the crib breaks.
Q: How do you find out Michael Jackson's sperm count?
A: Look it up in Webster's.
Q: Why is Michael Jackson opening a sperm bank?
A: He always has a shitload of semen.
Q: How do we know Michael Jackson isn't really a virgin?
A: He's got children out the ass.
Q: What did Michael Jackson say after he was interrupted during sex?
A: "Shit happens!"
Q: Why does Michael Jackson scream?
A: Because it hurts.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson scream when he touches his nuts?
A: He's sore from the kids last night,
Q: What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words?
A: Which one's mommy?
Q: Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby over a balcony?
A: Because he overheard his wife asking someone to drop the children off a few stories.
A: "Feel the World."
Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest song?
A: "Don't let your son go down on me."
Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Little Boy Blew.
Q: What did Michael Jackson tell the little boy?
A: "The way you make me feel, it really turns me on!"
Q: What did Michael Jackson say when a boy in a car mooned him going down the road?
A: "I'll be there!"
Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite gospel song?
A: "And then he touched me"
Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Lorena Bobbit?
A: "SILLY Bobbit! Dicks are for KIDS!"
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Miss Bobbit have in common?
A: They both played with little wieners.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?
A: He ate a nine year old wiener!
Q: Why did Michael Jackson get kicked out of the school cafeteria?
A: Because he ate all the kids' wieners.
Q: What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?
A: Foreplay.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and an Xbox have in common?
A: Both get turned on by kids!!!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
A: They both leave little boys' rooms with empty sacks.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Dr. Spock have in common?
A: They both know how to rear a child.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan have in common?
A: They both play ball in the Minor League.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan?
A: One is in the Minors, the other is into Minors.
Q: Why's Michael trying out for the NBA?
A: He's a crack shooter.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
A: One was the first man to walk on the moon, and the other f***s little boys.
Q: What does Michael have in common with NASA?
A: It's been 25 years since his first moon landing.
Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite holiday?
A: Christmas because he gives the well behaved kids a special gift...
Q: Where's Michael going on holiday?
A: He's off to Tampa with the kids.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Wal-mart have in common?
A: They both have small boys pants at half off!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Wal-mart have in common?
A: They both wait 3 months after the child is born to give piercings.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to K Mart?
A: He heard they had small boys pants half off.
Q: What does Michael Jackson think of when he sees a boy in a McDonald's suit?
A: A happy meal.
McDonald's is bringing out a new "Michael Jackson Burger"...
It has 35 year old meat inside 5 year old buns.
The new burger at McDonald's is called the McJackson.
It consists of matured beef between two fresh white buns.
Q: What do Michael's rear and an LA jail have in common?
A: Both hold the juice.
Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!
Q: Why does Michael Jackson want to move to Ohio?
A: He heard there's a Youngstown there.
Q: What's Micheal Jackson's Chinese name?
A: Melikeemyoung.
Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson was taken to the Emergency Room?
A: He was choking on a small bone!
Q: Did you hear about the new McDonalds McJackson sandwich?
A: It's a 35 year old slab of meat between two 12 year old buns.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They're both 30 year old meat between 10 year old buns!
Q: How many times does 12 go into 35?
A: Ask Michael Jackson.
Q: What's 6 + 46 + 5?
A: A threesome with Michael Jackson.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year old boyfriends?
A: Because there are twenty of them!
Q: How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Michael Jackson only screws little boys!
Q: Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael?
A: He doesn't mind reaching bottom.
Q: What's soft and brown and sometimes found in little boy's diapers?
A: Michael Jackson's hand!
Q: What's the worst stain to try and remove from little boy's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's makeup.
Q: What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?
A: His other hand.
Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
A: The bread goes in brown, and comes out white.
Q: Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet?
A: Emily Dick in son.
Q: Why did Michael invite Macaulay Culkin to the house?
A: He's like the little boy he never had.
Q: How did Michael actually proposition the little boy?
A: It was just a slip of the tongue.
Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun!
Q: What did Michael Jackson yell when he fell off the boat?
A: Throw me the bouy!!
Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy!
Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A: There's a Big Wheel parked outside his house!
Q: How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
A: By all the Big Wheels in his driveway.
Q: How does Michael like to party?
A: He sips a couple of Tall Boys.
Q: What's Michael's favorite snack?
A: Slim Jims.
Q: What's Michael's favorite fast food?
A: Big Boys.
Q: What's Michael's favorite dish?
A: Creamed shrimp.
Q. Did you hear Michael Jackson is moving to PA... Guess which town? A. Dubois.
Q: Why is Michael so tough?
A: He can lick any kid on the block.
Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect "10"?
A: Two 5 year olds.
Q: Why was Michael Jackson kicked out of the Boy Scouts?
A: He was up to two packs a day.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Rum have in common?
A: They both come in small tots.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?
A: They both come in tots.
Q: What does Michael hand round after dinner?
A: The under Eights.
Q: What does Michael Jackson give his guests after dinner?
A: Instead of after eight mints, he gives them under eight children.
Q: What's black and white and comes in little cans?
A: Michael Jackson.
Q: Hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?
A: It comes in a little can.
Q: Have you seen the new Michael Jackson candy bar?
A: It's white chocolate with no nuts.... (but kids like it)
Q: What's sex like for Michael?
A: Like taking candy from a baby.
Q: What is the worst thing about making love to Michael Jackson?
A: When the crib breaks.
Q: How do you find out Michael Jackson's sperm count?
A: Look it up in Webster's.
Q: Why is Michael Jackson opening a sperm bank?
A: He always has a shitload of semen.
Q: How do we know Michael Jackson isn't really a virgin?
A: He's got children out the ass.
Q: What did Michael Jackson say after he was interrupted during sex?
A: "Shit happens!"
Q: Why does Michael Jackson scream?
A: Because it hurts.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson scream when he touches his nuts?
A: He's sore from the kids last night,
Q: What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words?
A: Which one's mommy?
Q: Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby over a balcony?
A: Because he overheard his wife asking someone to drop the children off a few stories.
A: "Feel the World."
Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest song?
A: "Don't let your son go down on me."
Rumor has it that Michael Jackson is in Switzerland undergoing cosmetic surgery on his pecker.
Then the description the California Justice Dept got from the little boy won't fit anymore.
Another rumor has it that he's finally going all the way and changing gender entirely.
Michael Jackson first wanted to look like Diana Ross, then a white person, now he wants to be A ROMAN CATHOLIC PRIEST.
Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Little Boy Blew.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Little Boy Blue.
Little Boy Blue who?
Michael Jackson.
Q: What did Michael Jackson tell the little boy?
A: "The way you make me feel, it really turns me on!"
Q: What did Michael Jackson say when a boy in a car mooned him going down the road?
A: "I'll be there!"
If you play thriller backwards, you can hear Michael confessing all the names of the boys he touched. That's why it is 14 minutes long.
Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite gospel song?
A: "And then he touched me"
I just bought a new car stereo... When you shout out "Soul", it plays soul music. When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music. Some kids ran in front of my car, and I shouted "fucking kids!", and it played Michael Jackson.
Michael Jackson's found a way to stymie that L.A. search warrant:
He's invited Lorena Bobbitt over.
Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?
A: Several children have fingered him.
Q: How will MJ pay off his old boyfriends?
A: Liquefy some assets.
Q: Why doesn't Micheal have orgasms?
A: The big payoff comes a couple of months later.
Q: Why does Michael like children so much?
A: He knows how they feel.
Q: How did Michael get in trouble?
A: He was feeling a little Randy.
Q: How is Michael dealing with his problems?
A: He's holding his own.
Q: How are Michael's friends dealing with the problem?
A: They're all standing behind him.
Q: What psychological problem does Michael still suffer from?
A: Anal retention.
Q: How is Michael now?
A: Feeling a little crotchety.
Q: Why does Micheal Jackson like to lose foot races to little boys?
A: He likes to come in a little behind.
Q: What was the big break in the Micheal Jackson molestation case?
A: A doctor did a rectal exam of one of the boys bringing charges and found
... a white glove.
Q: What is the most difficult thing to get out of little boys underwear?
A: Michael Jackson's makeup!
Q: Why is Michael Jackson addicted to pain killers?
A: To stop him from going OW! OW! OW!
Q: How does Michael Jackson keep his youth?
A: Pizza and Nintendo.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.
Q: Where does Michael Jackson go to find a date?
A: Boys 'R Us.
Q: What does Michael call an orgy?
A: A fruit salad.
Q: What makes Michael Jackson so unique?
A: It's the little boy inside him.
Q: Did you know that Michael Jackson just turned 35?
A: Yeah, but he still feels like a 13 year old.
Q: What do Michael and Gaylord Perry have in common?
A: Both have held lots of wet balls in their hands.
Q: Who was the unmanned recon airplane the Predator named for?
A: Michael Jackson.
Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A: A Michael Jackson slumber party.
Q: What's "black-white" and purple?
A: Michael Jackson's dick after a slumber party with a bunch of 6 year olds.
Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at the Jackson residence?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand...
Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite game to play at night?
A: Hide the pickle in the pajamas.
Q: What child's game does Michael NOT allow to be played at his Neverland ranch?
A: Got your nose! Put it back!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston have in common?
A: They both like a little crack now and then.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson Check into the Betty Ford clinic?
A: To get over his 11 year crack habit.
Q: Why does Michael really need to go to rehab?
A: He's a crack addict.
Q: What did Michael Jackson say when he got back to Neverland Ranch from drug rehab?
A: You know, I feel like a new boy!
Q: Why doesn't Michael sleep with boys anymore?
A: He's tired of all the cracks.
Q: What's the first problem the Michael's child will have in life?
A: Figuring out which parent is his mother.
Q: What happens when Michael talks about sex?
A: It's all very tongue in cheek.
Q: What's sex like for Michael?
A: Child's Play.
Q: What's the difference between a plastic grocery bag and Michael Jackson?
A: Well, one's an artificial piece of trash that can harm little children,
and the other is used to hold groceries.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a refrigerator?
A: A fridge doesn't toot after you take your meat out of it!
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a microwave?
A: A microwave won't brown your meat!
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A: Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a ghost?
A: One is completely white and has a scary face. The other is a supernatural being.
Q: What's the difference between Michael and Connie Chung?
A: Michael's been able to have kids.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Nixon?
A: One was a consummate asshole, the other a consummated asshole.
Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson arrange for private shopping?
A: So his guests won't be accompanied by guardians!
Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
A: It's called "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing".
Q: What's Michael's favorite Canadian TV show?
A: The Kids in the Hall.
Q: What will they call Michael's new TV series?
A: Anus and Andy.
Q: Why has Michael been appearing on children's shows lately?
A: He has a lot to plug.
Q: Why was Michael Jackson late for the circus?
A: He couldn't get the stains out of his clown suit.
Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together?
A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the three-year-olds!
Q: What do second place race horses and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They both come in a little behind.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Willie Shoemaker have in common?
A: Both ride 4 year olds.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Mick Dittman?
A: Mick Dittman DOES have a license to ride 4 year olds.
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a racing jockey?
A: A jockey can mount three year olds legally.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and the PLO?
A: The PLO pulled out of Jordan.
Q: What do Micheal Jackson and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both pulled out of Jordan.
Q: What's the difference between Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson?
A: Richard Pryor got burnt on coke, Michael Jackson got burnt on Pepsi!
Q: Have you heard about the foundation that Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor have started?
A: It's called the Ignited Negro College Fund.
Q: Why's Michael cutting down on public appearances?
A: He wants to spend more time with the kids.
Q: Who's happy when Michael Jackson gets a boy to stay over?
A: Bubbles.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?
A: He saw someone blowing bubbles and thought he'd join in.
Q: Heard about Michael Jackson's new songs?
A: I'm forever blowing bubbles!
Q: Why is Michael Jackson's album new entitled "Bad"?
A: Because he couldn't spell "Pathetic".
Q: Why was Michael Jackson grounded?
A: He was "Bad".
Q: What did Michael Jackson do when his hair caught on fire?
A: He "Beat-it!"
Q: How do we know Michael Jackson is ready to release another album?
A: He has a lot of stuff in the can.
Q: Who will Michael record his next album with?
A: Les Brown.
Q: Which chips does Michael Jackson like to munch on?
A: O'Boysies.
Q: Where does Michael Jackson write his songs for the kids?
A: In his tanning salon.
Q: How do you neuter Michael Jackson?
A: Give him spiked gloves and tell him to sing a song.
Q: What do any of the Mets have in common with Michael Jackson?
A: They all wear one glove for no apparent reason.
Q: Where is Michael Jackson's other glove?
A: In Brooke Shields' pants.
Q: What would you call Michael Jackson if he slept with another 20 or 30 young boys?
A: Monsigneur.
Q: How will they ensure that Michael gets a thorough body search?
A: Hire a Catholic priest to do it.
Q: What do Michael and Catholic school nuns have in common?
A: Both are a pain in the ass to kids.
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a proctologist?
A: A proctologist doesn't pay for the assholes he's poked around in.
Q: Why did Pepsi sign up Michael Jackson for their ads?
A: Because he likes the taste of a new generation.
Q: Why did Pepsi fire Michael Jackson?
A: Because he was caught sucking on a Squirt!!
Q: Why did Michael Jackson fail to renew his contract with Pepsi?
A: Because he found out that the main ingredient was Bubbles!
Q: Why did Michael Jackson put cheese on his willy?
A: Because kids will do anything for the taste of Dairy Lea!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and broccoli have in common?
A: Both are force fed to little boys.
Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson marrying Lisa-Marie Presley?
A: If Elvis were dead, he'd turn over in his grave.
Q: What did Elvis say after seeing Michael and Lisa Marie on television?
A: "Boy, that's a relief. I though she married a black guy!"
Q: What did Lisa Marie Presley say to Michael Jackson when he popped her
the question?
A: "Yes, I'll marry you. But promise me one thing... NO KIDS!"
Q: What was Michael Jackson thinking about on his wedding night?
A: Hmmm, now Lisa-Marie can give me a little boy of my own.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley?
A: About two dress sizes!!!
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a mail-order catalogue.
What is the title of Michael Jackson's New Book?
"Penetrating the Secrets of Children".
When Michael Jackson throws a party, what do his guests drive?
Tricycles.
Why did Michael Jackson rush to the discount store?
The ad said: "Boys' pants, half-off!"
Why is Mr. Potato Head jealous of Michael Jackson?
Michael Jackson has had more noses.
What time is bed time at Michael Jackson’s house?
When the big hand is on the little hand.
What do Michael Jackson and a jockey both ride?
Three year olds.
What is the worst stain on a small boy's underwear?
Michael Jackson's rouge.
Why does Michael Jackson disappear for a couple hours after one of his little friends leaves?
It takes that long to get the bubble gum off his dick.
What did the male sunbather shout at Michael Jackson?
Get out of my son!
What is Michael Jackson’s ideal a perfect 10?
Two five year olds.
Why did Michael Jackson want his own boy?
The rent is $2,000,000 each.
What repulsive thing can be found in a baby diaper?
Michael Jackson's hand.
What's black, has a strong odor, and comes in small cans?
Michael Jackson.
Why did Pepsi fire Michael Jackson?
He was seen with a little squirt in his mouth.
Why were Michael Jackson's pants so small?
They belonged to somebody else.
What caused Michael Jackson’s problem?
He felt little Randy.
Why does Michael Jackson relate so well to children?
He knows how they feel.
What did Michael Jackson exclaim when he say he returned from the health spa?I feel like a new boy.
Where does Michael Jackson look for dates?
Boys 'R Us.
Why does Michael Jackson have a tough guy reputation?
He has licked every kid possible.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and the New York Mets have in common?
A: They're both walking around with one glove on their hand for no apparent reason whatsoever!!
A: They're both walking around with one glove on their hand for no apparent reason whatsoever!!
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in !!
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in !!
Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
A: He heard boys' pants were half-off !!
A: He heard boys' pants were half-off !!
Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun!!
A: Get out of my sun!!
Q: What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?
A: His other hand !!
A: His other hand !!
Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy !!
A: Throw him a buoy !!
Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A: There's a big wheel parked outside his house!!
A: There's a big wheel parked outside his house!!
Q: Heard about Michael Jackson's new songs?
A: I'm forever blowing bubbles!
A: I'm forever blowing bubbles!
Q: Why does Michael Jackson arrange for private shopping?
A: So his guests won't be accompanied by guardians!
A: So his guests won't be accompanied by guardians!
Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They're both 30 year old meat between 10 year old buns!
A: They're both 30 year old meat between 10 year old buns!
Q:Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael?
A:He doesn't mind reaching bottom.
A:He doesn't mind reaching bottom.
Q:What's Michael's favorite Canadian TV show?
A:The Kids in the Hall.
A:The Kids in the Hall.
Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10"?
A: Two 5 year olds.
Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!
A: Two 5 year olds.
Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!
Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
A: The bread goes in brown, and comes out white.
A: The bread goes in brown, and comes out white.
Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalogue.
A: From a catalogue.
Q: What does Michael Jackson reminisce about when he gets nostalgic?
A: Blowing his first nose.
A: Blowing his first nose.
Q: What's the difference between Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson?
A: Richard Pryor got burnt on coke, Michael Jackson got burnt on
Pepsi!
A: Richard Pryor got burnt on coke, Michael Jackson got burnt on
Pepsi!
Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.
A: He thought it was a delivery service.
Michael said to Debbie one night, "I fancy some
entertainment, what shall we do?".
To which Debbie replied " I know we'll get a video".
Michael then said " Great, Ill get Aladdin".
Debbie said speedily "No Michael, You have been
in trouble for that before"
entertainment, what shall we do?".
To which Debbie replied " I know we'll get a video".
Michael then said " Great, Ill get Aladdin".
Debbie said speedily "No Michael, You have been
in trouble for that before"
Q: What's black and comes in little white cans?
A: Michael Jackson
A: Michael Jackson
Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson.
A: Michael Jackson.
Prince Michael Jackson, Jr. --- you know in a few years
they'll probably change his name to:
The Child Formerly Known as Michael Jackson's Baby
they'll probably change his name to:
The Child Formerly Known as Michael Jackson's Baby
Q: What do Michael Jackson & Michael Jordan have in common?
A: They both play ball in the Minor League.
A: They both play ball in the Minor League.
Q: What's the difference between them?
A: One is in the Minors, the other is into Minors.
A: One is in the Minors, the other is into Minors.
Q: Why was Michael Jackson relieved of his Cub Scout Leader duties?
A: He was up to a pack a day.
A: He was up to a pack a day.
Q: What does Michael have in common with NASA?
A: It's been 25 years since his first moon landing.
A: It's been 25 years since his first moon landing.
The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.
Q: How do we know Michael Jackson is ready to release another album?
A: He has a lot of stuff in the can.
A: He has a lot of stuff in the can.
Q: Who will Michael record his next album with?
A: Les Brown.
A: Les Brown.
Q: Why doesn't Michael sleep with boys anymore?
A: He's tired of all the cracks.
A: He's tired of all the cracks.
Q: Did you know they're putting out a Michael Jackson stamp?
A: Fans get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.
A: Fans get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.
Q: What's the difference between Michael and a proctologist?
A: A proctologist doesn't pay for the assholes he's poked around in.
A: A proctologist doesn't pay for the assholes he's poked around in.
`Hear about the new "Michael Jackson" candy bar?
~It's made from white chocolate, and contains no nuts.
~It's made from white chocolate, and contains no nuts.
Michael Jackson and Woody Allen on "Child Psychology":
"Spare the rod, and spoil the child."
"Spare the rod, and spoil the child."
`What is Michael Jackson's Alma Matter?
~Bring-em Young.
~Bring-em Young.
`Did you hear about the duet by Michael Jackson and Elton John?
~It is titled "Don't let your son go down on me."
~It is titled "Don't let your son go down on me."
`What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson?
~Michael Jackson has had more noses.
~Michael Jackson has had more noses.
`Why did Michael invite MacCauly Caulkin to the house?
~He's like the little boy he never had.
~He's like the little boy he never had.
`Why does Michael really need to go to rehab?
~He's a crack addict.
~He's a crack addict.
`Did you know that Michael Jackson just turned 35?
~Yeah, but he still feels like a 13 year old.
~Yeah, but he still feels like a 13 year old.
`How did Michael get in trouble?
~He was feeling a little Randy.
~He was feeling a little Randy.
`How is Michael dealing with his problems?
~He's holding his own.
~He's holding his own.
`How are Michael's friends dealing with the problem?
~They're all standing behind him.
~They're all standing behind him.
`How did Michael actually proposition the little boy?
~It was just a slip of the tongue.
~It was just a slip of the tongue.
`What's sex like for Michael?
~Child's Play.
~Child's Play.
`Hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?
~It comes in a little can.
~It comes in a little can.
`Why does Michael like children so much?
~He knows how they feel.
~He knows how they feel.
`How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
~By all the Big Wheels in his driveway.
~By all the Big Wheels in his driveway.
`What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Plastic bag?
~One is made out of plastic and is dangerous for kids to play with
and one is used to carry groceries.
~One is made out of plastic and is dangerous for kids to play with
and one is used to carry groceries.
`Did you hear Michael Jackson was running a "blue-light" special
at a local K-Mart?
~Little boys' pants were half off!
at a local K-Mart?
~Little boys' pants were half off!
`What makes Michael Jackson so unique?
~It's the little boy inside him.
~It's the little boy inside him.
`How does Michael like to party?
~He sips a couple of Tall Boys.
~He sips a couple of Tall Boys.
`What's Michael's favorite snack?
~Slim Jims.
~Slim Jims.
`What's Michael's favorite fast food?
~Big Boys.
~Big Boys.
`What's the new movie about Michael Jackson called?
~"The Hand that Robs the Cradle."
~"The Hand that Robs the Cradle."
McDonald's is bringing out a new burger ..."Micheal Jackson Burger"...
It has 35 yr old meat inside 5 yr old buns.
It has 35 yr old meat inside 5 yr old buns.
What are Michael Jackson's favorite sayings?
1) There's a sucker born every minute.
2) Kids do the darndest things.
3) Tricks are for kids.
1) There's a sucker born every minute.
2) Kids do the darndest things.
3) Tricks are for kids.
`What's sex like for Michael?
~Like candy from a baby.
~Like candy from a baby.
`What's Michael's favorite dish?
~Creamed shrimp.
~Creamed shrimp.
`Why's Michael cutting down on public appearances?
~He wants to spend more time with the kids.
~He wants to spend more time with the kids.
`How will they ensure that Michael gets a thorough body search?
~Hire a Catholic priest to do it.
~Hire a Catholic priest to do it.
`What will they call the upcoming movie about Michael Jackson?
~"The African Queen."
~"The African Queen."
Michael Jackson and Pee Wee Herman are have come out with a
new video called... "I'll beat it for you."
new video called... "I'll beat it for you."
`Why did Michael Jackson want to join the Branch Davidians?
~So he could be black again.
~So he could be black again.
`How does Michael Jackson resemble the Cincinatti Reds?
~They're both whiter than they should be.
~They're both whiter than they should be.
Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Would Be Cooler if He Lived in the Star Wars Universe
1. Due to high loss-of-hand rate, wearing one glove is fashionably acceptable.
2. Would not have needed huge effects budget for 'Captain EO'.
3. In shocking revelation, he might have really been the father of Billie Jean's son.
4. Could really walk on moons.
5. After skin-altering disease, could become Light Lord of the Sith.
6. Could ease tensions between Empire and Alliance with anti-violence message of 'Beat It'.
7. Imperial breath mask could give him the deep voice he never had.
8. Improved medical technology could make new nose and chin more realistic.
9. Would have sure-fire hit with Sy Snootles duet
10. Would strengthen characterization of movies by making Luke look manly.
Ellen Degeneres QuotesI ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
The sixties were when hallucinogentic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.
Yeah I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
JAY LENO QUOTES
More details coming out about Michael Jackson. It seems his 13-year-old accuser testified before a grand jury that Michael had seven locks on his bedroom door. See, what happened was whenever Michael would install one lock, the kid would grow an inch taller, and he’d have to put in another one ... and then another one ... and then another one.
Inauguration Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants.
McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it?
Colin Farrel was recently asked about prostitutes and he said, "It’s like ordering a pizza.” Really? What restaurant is he going to? All I ever get is a pizza...I guess in some ways it is - when it’s delivered, it’s never quite as hot as you hoped it would be.
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.
Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn’t know what happened. One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the next, boom!
According to a new poll, 72 percent of pet owners buy their pets a Christmas present. In fact, in Las Vegas, Siegfried gave his cats a chew toy....Roy.
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
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