A
guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his
company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes
the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, he's
closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through
the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat
10 rows off the field right on the 50 yardline.
He
decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium
and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down,
Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is
anyone sitting here?"
The
man says "No."
Now,
very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again
inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who
in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl
and not use it?!"
The
man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the
first SuperBowl we haven't been together at since we got married
in 1967."
"Well,
that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't
find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?"
"No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."
One
Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The
bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed." The man
replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and
you'll see." The bartender, anxious to see what will happen,
turned on the game. The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets
score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals
and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! That's one
hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score
a touchdown?" asked the bartender. The man replied, "I
don't know. I've only had him for seven years."
Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The
bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed." The man
replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and
you'll see." The bartender, anxious to see what will happen,
turned on the game. The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets
score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals
and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! That's one
hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score
a touchdown?" asked the bartender. The man replied, "I
don't know. I've only had him for seven years."
A
guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his
company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes
the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium he's closer
to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first
quarter, Bob notices an empty seat that was 10 rows off the field,
right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his
way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty
seat.
As
he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me,
is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in
such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to
him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat
like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well,
actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife,
but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been
together at since we got married in 1965." Well, that's really sad,"
says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? Was
it a relative or close friend?" No," the man replies, "they're all at
the funeral."
During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of
the team's cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to
his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the
world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than
your hand." "That's right, Coach," replied the lineman. "But, she's
much better!"
The
huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can
you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who
proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to
splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and,
in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!"
enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman
hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if
I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
Alexander Potter was a sports fan whose face was always either buried
in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night
as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got
up, walked across the room and unplugged the television set. "Hey,"
Alex shouted, "what do you think you're doing?"
"I am sick of sports, and I'm sick of TV," his wife replied. "You
haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right
now!" "Okay, Okay. So..." After a moment, he asked, "How often do you
think Brett Favre gets laid?"
Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down
and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy
Bear?" "Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy
Bear. He beat me." "Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear,"
answered the judge. "On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She
beat me." "Well then, Baby Bear, who do you
want to live with?" Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago
Bears. They don't beat anybody!"
To
give you an idea of the kind of season we've had, the person who
handled our side of the scoreboard was sick for three weeks and nobody
noticed.
A
couple of Yogi Berra's team mates on the
Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was
horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the
way from him. Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then
force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw
the baby to second base.
The
other day was Take Your Daughter To Work
day. The Cubs had a fun time, played a little scrimmage against their
daughters. Unfortunately they lost, 15-3.
The
stock market really plummeted today, but luckily there is a computer
chip that is used to turn off the board if it gets too low. The Cubs
have the same chip in there scoreboard.
One
day, the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game. Smiling the
Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance; I have Babe Ruth, Mickey
Mantle, and all the greatest players up here". "Yes", snickered the
devil, "but I have all the umpires."
A
rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up
to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the
young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every
game." "When is that?" "Right after the National
Anthem."
Two
guys are walking down a street in hell when it begins to snow. One guy
looks up at it and says, "Well, it finally happened. The Cubs just won
the World Series."
A
recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new
country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The
next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up
and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run you bastard,
r-run will you!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman,
obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run you
bastard, r-r-run will you!" The next batter held his swing at three
and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling
"R-r-run you bastard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle
quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his
embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and
screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"
A
man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring
that dog in here." "You don't understand," says the man. "This is no
regular dog, he can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give
you a hundred bucks. "The man puts the dog
on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!" "Right.
And what's on the outside of a tree?" "Bark!"
"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" "I guess
you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in
twenties." The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out
of here before I belt you." As soon as they're on the street, the dog
turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said
'DiMaggio'?"
A
teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go
up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox." "Why's that?" "Well, my
parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too." "That's not
a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a
moron too?" "No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
Q:
What is the difference between Yankee fans and dentists?
A: One roots for the yanks, and the other yanks for the roots.
Q:
Why is it so hot at Phillies games?
A: Because there's not a fan in the place.
Q:
How many American Football players does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q:
What do Tornados and Dallas Cowboy fans have in common?
A: Sooner or later, they'll both end up in trailer parks!
Q:
Why did the American Football team go to the phone booth?
A: To get their quarter back.
Q:
What beverage do football players drink?
A: Penal-tea!
Q:
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: Because it heard the referee was blowing fouls.
Fish and a piano
Q. What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
A. You can't tuna fish.
Fishing in a frozen lake
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake,
cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited
patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even
a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in
the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and
minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't
believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly
thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young
boy kept catching fish after fish.
Finally, the old man couldn't
take it any longer. "Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour
without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have
caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo
raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look,"
said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy
spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms
warm!"
Manic depression
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental
health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked,
"How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming
at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping
uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear of the room raised
his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
American and
Mexican fisherman
An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal
Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The
American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and
asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, "Only a
little while." The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out
longer and catch more fish?" The Mexican said, "With this I have
more than enough to support my family's needs." The American then
asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" The Mexican
fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children,
take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each
evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a
full and busy life."
The American
scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend
more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With
the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats.
Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of
selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the
processor; Eventually opening your own cannery. You would control
the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave
this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los
Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your
ever-expanding enterprise."
The Mexican
fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?" To which the
American replied, "15 to 20 years." "But what then?" asked the
Mexican. The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When
the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company
stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions?...Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire.
Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late,
fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife,
stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and
play your guitar with your amigos."
Awful day fishing
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun
all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped
at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish
salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell
my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the
orange trout."
"Why's that?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that
if you came by, I should tell you to take orange trout. That's what
she'd like for supper tonight."
Believe your
husband
"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes
fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend. "Why shouldn't I?"
said Jane. "Well, maybe he is having an affair?" "No way" said Jane
"he never returns with any fish..."
Boats better than
women
Reasons Why Boats Are Better Than Women:
Boats only need their fluids changed every year.
Boats curves never sag.
Boats last longer.
Boats don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Boat any time of the month.
Boats don't have parents.
Boats don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can share your Boat with your friends.
If your Boat makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new belt for your Boat when the old one is
really worn.
If your Boat smokes, you can do something about it.
Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Boat both arrive at the same time.
Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have.
Boats don't mind if you look at other Boats, or if you buy Boating
magazines.
If your Boat is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to
correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Boat.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Boat.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your
Boat.
You don't have to convince your Boat that you're a Boater and that
you think that all Boats are equals.
If you say bad things to your Boat, you don't have to apologize
before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Boat as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Boat after you dump
it.
Boats always feel like going for a ride.
Boats don't insult you if you are a bad boater.
Boats don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Boat.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Boats.
If your Boat doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better
parts.
You can't get diseases from a Boat you don't know very well.
Bedroom Golf
1.
Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2.
Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.
6.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so
may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7.
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time
to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed
bunkers.
8.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played,
or are currently playing, to the owner of
the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage
players equipment for this reason.
9.
Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
protection.
10.
Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the
first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they
discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private
course.
11.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful
in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means
of play when this is the case.
12.
The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush
around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and
approach to the hole.
13.
Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
14.
Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's
request. (Course time is four - five hours)
15.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
same hole several times in one match.
Two young
blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but
not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they
discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow
had gone directly in. The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to
who, since they were both using
Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House
and asked the golf pro for a ruling. After hearing their story and
congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the
pro asked, "Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?"
Two
friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one
fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. "Don't you have
at least one other golf ball?" he asked. The other guy replied that
no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?" the friend persisted.
"What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is
a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another
one." "Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot
and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay," he replied, "This
special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it." "Well what
happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes
and shrubs?" The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this
special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -
no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game
goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap.
What are you going to do then?" "No problem." says the other guy,
"You see, this ball is florescent. I'll be
able to see it in the dark." Finally satisfied
that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did
you get a golf ball like that anyway?" The other guy replies,
"I found it."
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped
the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking
lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee
off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer
responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the
trees and off the course?" the cop asked. "Yes, I did. How did you
know?" the golfer asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously,
"Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's
windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars
and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the
building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The
golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my
stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
A couple was on their honeymoon, ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband, "I have a
confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done,
the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and
get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to
his wife a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.
"I'm still hungry, so I was going to get room service to get
something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to
his wife a third time.
When they finish, he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the
phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn
hole."
While
sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to
the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on
the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around
here?!"
sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to
the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on
the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around
here?!"
"Naw,"
the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling
safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About
halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the
gators?"
"We
didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The
sharks got 'em."
Fishing
or church
One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class
late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and
asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that
his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher
was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained
to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to
go fishing. To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did.
My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
or church
One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class
late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and
asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that
his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher
was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained
to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to
go fishing. To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did.
My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
Fishing
rules
Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the
biggest fish.
Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the
fishing around you.
Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make
him truthful.
rules
Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the
biggest fish.
Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the
fishing around you.
Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make
him truthful.
Going
fishing?
Bill: Hey Phil, are you going fishing?
Phil: Yeah!
Bill: Ya got worms?
Phil: Yeah, but I'm still going!
fishing?
Bill: Hey Phil, are you going fishing?
Phil: Yeah!
Bill: Ya got worms?
Phil: Yeah, but I'm still going!
Good
salesman
A young zealous boy wanted desperately to work at a department
store. He approached the store manager who responded they needed no
help. Quite persistent, the boy returned again and again until the
manager finally said "We're having a holiday sale tomorrow. Why
don't you show up and you can give it a try." The elated boy
returned the following day and proceeded to sell. At the end of the
day the store manager called the youngster over and asked how he had
done. The boy responded that he had sold $79,083.50 worth of
merchandise. The manager asked how he had done so well. The young
man said, "Well this guy was going fishing so I asked if he wanted
some fish hooks, he said sure, That is $1.50. I asked if he had a
nice fishing pole, he said no, so I got a graphite extension pole
for $43.50. Do you have a nice reel, not yet replied the customer...
so I got him a nice quick release reel for $35.00. I asked here he
was going fishing and he said Strawberry Reservoir. I told him the
best places to catch fish are near the center, "Do you have a boat?"
The man said he didn't so I set him up with a nice outboard 30 foot
cruiser for $28,000.00. Then I asked if he had a trailer. He didn't,
so I got him a double axle trailer for $3,000.00. Then I asked what
he had to tow the boat. He only had a station wagon, so I told him
that just wouldn't do, but we could get him a nice fully loaded
Dodge Ram dually, racked and packed with a tow package, trailer
hitch and everything for $48,000.00. He wanted it all." As you can
imagine the store manager was astounded. "And to think it all began
with that man asking for a package of fish hooks?" The boy replied,
"Oh no, it all began with him asking for some tampons which were
$3.50, so I replied, "Well you aren't going to be doing much else
this weekend, you might as well go fishing!"
salesman
A young zealous boy wanted desperately to work at a department
store. He approached the store manager who responded they needed no
help. Quite persistent, the boy returned again and again until the
manager finally said "We're having a holiday sale tomorrow. Why
don't you show up and you can give it a try." The elated boy
returned the following day and proceeded to sell. At the end of the
day the store manager called the youngster over and asked how he had
done. The boy responded that he had sold $79,083.50 worth of
merchandise. The manager asked how he had done so well. The young
man said, "Well this guy was going fishing so I asked if he wanted
some fish hooks, he said sure, That is $1.50. I asked if he had a
nice fishing pole, he said no, so I got a graphite extension pole
for $43.50. Do you have a nice reel, not yet replied the customer...
so I got him a nice quick release reel for $35.00. I asked here he
was going fishing and he said Strawberry Reservoir. I told him the
best places to catch fish are near the center, "Do you have a boat?"
The man said he didn't so I set him up with a nice outboard 30 foot
cruiser for $28,000.00. Then I asked if he had a trailer. He didn't,
so I got him a double axle trailer for $3,000.00. Then I asked what
he had to tow the boat. He only had a station wagon, so I told him
that just wouldn't do, but we could get him a nice fully loaded
Dodge Ram dually, racked and packed with a tow package, trailer
hitch and everything for $48,000.00. He wanted it all." As you can
imagine the store manager was astounded. "And to think it all began
with that man asking for a package of fish hooks?" The boy replied,
"Oh no, it all began with him asking for some tampons which were
$3.50, so I replied, "Well you aren't going to be doing much else
this weekend, you might as well go fishing!"
How much
tackle...
How much fishing tackle can a man accumulate before his wife throws
him out?
I don't know the answer but I think I'm nearly there.
tackle...
How much fishing tackle can a man accumulate before his wife throws
him out?
I don't know the answer but I think I'm nearly there.
Husband went
fishing
One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the
river or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in
the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and
raining, so he decided to return back to his house.
He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife.
"What terrible weather today honey," he said to her. "Yes. And my
idiot husband went fishing!" she replied.
fishing
One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the
river or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in
the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and
raining, so he decided to return back to his house.
He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife.
"What terrible weather today honey," he said to her. "Yes. And my
idiot husband went fishing!" she replied.
Ice fishing
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice
and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish
down there."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered
into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down
there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and
again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice
and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish
down there."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered
into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down
there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and
again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."
Interesting
bait
David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen
some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On
his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that
another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another.
He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind
telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked. The other man
looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by
accident I found that human tonsil works very well." David thanked
the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.
The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and
still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different
man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked David, "but could
you suggest a bait that I could try?" "Well, I can, but I am not
sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."
"Hmm," thought David. It seemed that the fish in this lake would
require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give
the lake one more try. On the third day, David still had no luck. As
was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left
and right. David wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me
sir, but are you a doctor?"
"No, I am a Rabbi." replied the man.
bait
David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen
some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On
his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that
another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another.
He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind
telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked. The other man
looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by
accident I found that human tonsil works very well." David thanked
the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.
The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and
still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different
man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked David, "but could
you suggest a bait that I could try?" "Well, I can, but I am not
sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."
"Hmm," thought David. It seemed that the fish in this lake would
require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give
the lake one more try. On the third day, David still had no luck. As
was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left
and right. David wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me
sir, but are you a doctor?"
"No, I am a Rabbi." replied the man.
Irish priest
fisherman
An Irish priest loved to fly fish, it was an obsession of his. So
far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn't had a
chance to get his beloved waders on and his favorite flies out of
their box. Strangely though, every Sunday the weather had been good,
but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work. The weather
forecast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow
priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu.
He asked him to take over his sermon. The fly fishing priest drove
fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognize
him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest
was doing. He told God who agreed that he would do something about
it.
With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the
fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank
fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster
size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon.
Confused the angel asked God, "Why did you let him catch that huge
fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson." God replied
"I did. Who do you think he's going to tell?"
fisherman
An Irish priest loved to fly fish, it was an obsession of his. So
far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn't had a
chance to get his beloved waders on and his favorite flies out of
their box. Strangely though, every Sunday the weather had been good,
but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work. The weather
forecast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow
priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu.
He asked him to take over his sermon. The fly fishing priest drove
fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognize
him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest
was doing. He told God who agreed that he would do something about
it.
With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the
fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank
fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster
size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon.
Confused the angel asked God, "Why did you let him catch that huge
fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson." God replied
"I did. Who do you think he's going to tell?"
Likes
fishing because...
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is
that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a
big one!"
fishing because...
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is
that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a
big one!"
Mother to
daughter advice
Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole
weekend.
daughter advice
Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole
weekend.
New fly rod
and reel
I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife...
...best trade I ever made.
and reel
I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife...
...best trade I ever made.
No gators
Last winter, while sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist
capsized his boat. The guy could swim, but his fear of alligators
kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Last winter, while sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist
capsized his boat. The guy could swim, but his fear of alligators
kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an
old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are
there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they
ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started
swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked
the guy, "How did you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do
nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are
there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they
ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started
swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked
the guy, "How did you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do
nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
Only one man
could catch fish
No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man.
The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game
warden that he would take him fishing the next day... Once they got
to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit
it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started
floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started
picking up the fish. The game warden told him that this was illegal.
The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then
handed it to the game warden and said " are you going to fish or
talk?"
could catch fish
No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man.
The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game
warden that he would take him fishing the next day... Once they got
to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit
it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started
floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started
picking up the fish. The game warden told him that this was illegal.
The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then
handed it to the game warden and said " are you going to fish or
talk?"
Out of
season, no license
The fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a
license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks "Any
luck?"
"Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream
yesterday" he boasts.
"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger.
"Nope." "Well, meet the new game warden."
"Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?"
"Nope".
"Meet the biggest liar in the state."
season, no license
The fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a
license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks "Any
luck?"
"Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream
yesterday" he boasts.
"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger.
"Nope." "Well, meet the new game warden."
"Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?"
"Nope".
"Meet the biggest liar in the state."
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