A Woman's Prayer: I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man. Love, To forgive him and; Patience, For his moods. Because if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death.
Unusual Funeral A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My husband's." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line."
When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?” The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."
A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: How long is the average woman in labor? A: Whatever she says divided by two. Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain that I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids? A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow.Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women? A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." Q. How do you fix a woman's watch? A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven. Q. Why do men break wind more than women? A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? A. Divorced.Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them. Q. Why do women have breasts? A. So men will talk to them. Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex? A. They can't stand to see a man have a good time. Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A: A women who won't do what she's told.Q. What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections? A. A whine and cheese partyQ. Why is it called PMS? A. Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.
A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog.” "Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs." The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of gorfing cock, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks. "What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can't buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she bought in her dog and she got the dog food. The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can't have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food. Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
"The good wife's guide" This is an actual article from the Housekeeping Monthly Magazine 13 May 1955
Ø Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
Ø Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Ø Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Ø Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
Ø Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then tables.
Ø Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Ø Prepare the childrens. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Ø Be happy to see him.
Ø Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Ø Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first-remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Ø Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
Ø Your goal: to make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband can renew himself.
Ø Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
Ø Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as a minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Ø Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Ø Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Ø Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
Ø A good wife always knows her place.
What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man? Answer: "Lazy."
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives. The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional." The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids." They then asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections? A whine and cheese party.
Why is it called PMS? -- Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog.” "Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night.
The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks." What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
8 things you'll never hear a woman say... 8. What do you mean today's our anniversary? 7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV. 6. Ohh, this diamond is way to big! 5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends' 4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small? 3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there. 2. I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress. 1. Hey, pull my finger!
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," He responded. "Oh, killing any?" She asked. "Yep, three males, two females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell? He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."Here is a piece written by Andy Rooney - CBS 60 Minutes.As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know. A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest.They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons.Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.Ladies, I apologize.Andy Rooney
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage...
Hormone Hostage The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth to a woman and he takes his very life into his own hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other. DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate. DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
Pregnancy, Estrogen, and a Woman PREGNANCY Q & A & more! Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. "ESTROGEN ISSUES" 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES" 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-" 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space." 8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than SuperPlus. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. TOP TEN THINGS ONLY a WOMAN UNDERSTANDS 10. Cats' facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow. 3. Eyelash curlers. 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. AND, the Number One, Number One thing only a woman understands: 1. OTHER WOMEN
UCLA Study A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. Further studies are expected.
New Medications for Women
St. Mon's Wort Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. E m p t y N e s t r o g e n Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. P e p t o b i m b o Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. D u m e r o l When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q., causing enjoyment of country western music. F l i p i t o r Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. A n t i b o y o t i c s When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. M e n i c i l l i n Potent anti boyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?" B u y a g r a Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. J a c k A s s p i r i n Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your anniversary or phone number. A n t i-t a l k s i d e n t A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. And the best: D a m i t o l Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
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