Yul Brynner
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said, ‘No, Six should be enough.
Les Dawson
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir … mighty scarce.
Mark Twain
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
haven’t what they want that they don’t want it.
Ogden Nash
Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
Unknown
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.
Ashleigh Brilliant
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
E. DeGeners
They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Milton Berle
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
Jim Davis
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”
Milton Berle
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
Steven Weinberg
A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.
Anonymous
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby
If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
Unknown
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
Thomas Paine
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
George Carlin
Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It’s much sexier than any body part.
Aimee Mullins
Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter of ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
Anonymous
God made mud, God made dirt, God made boys so girls can flirt.
Ask no questions. Hear nor lies.
If you can make a girl laugh – you can make her do anything.
Marilyn Monroe
The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.
Yogi Berra
It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
George Globol
I both love and do not love and am mad and not mad.
I got caught kissing, like by my parents. It was so horrible. It’s so embarrassing, I’m blushing.
TV has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
Ann Landers
Cheese, wine, and a friend must be old to be good.
Cuban Proverb
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Ernest Hemingway
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working with one.
Bill Gates
When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course.
Peter F. Drucker
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
Sue Murphy
If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.
Yogi Berra
If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
Dave Allen
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Carl Gustav Jung
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Unknown
Arguing about whether the glass is half full or half empty misses the point, which is this: the bartender cheated you.
Unknown
Thank you Facebook, I can now farm without going outside, cook without being in my kitchen, feed fish I don’t have & waste an entire day without having a life.
Unknown
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
In the primary school, I was an outstanding student. My teacher would send me to stand outside of the class as a punishment.
Don’t let your mind wander, Its too little to be let out alone.
If you are talking behind my back, you are in a good position to kiss my a$$.
Teacher ends the class early with “okay that’s enough for today; I need to update my face-book status.
Congrats on getting married… (Inside card) – It’s not everyday you decide to ruin your life.
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
Henny Youngman
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say “I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER.”.
William S. Burroughs
Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts, while others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
Unknown
Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
Unknown
Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Maybe next time.
As you were, I was. As I am, you will be.
Hell’s angels
Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.
May I be excused? My brain is full.
Woody Allen
This girl rang me up one time, she says “come over, nobody is home”, I went over, no one was home!
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
Robert Frost
When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father … I’m very sorry. We did everything we could … but he pulled through.
Rodney Dangerfield
Sorry, I’m allergic to bullshit.
Will Smith
Nothing improves the memory more than trying to forget.
Unknown
I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don’t.
Scott Adams
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
A woman drove me to drink – and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her.
W.C. Fields
My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say No in any of them.
Dorothy Parker
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.
Groucho Marx
A drunk mans words are a sober man’s thoughts.
Steve Fergosi
How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them.
GROUCHO MARX
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Unknown
Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.
Robert A. Heinlein
Smile: if you can’t lift the corners, let the middle sag.
Unknown
Ten percent of something is better than 100% of nothing.
Unknown
I don’t have a license to kill. I have learners permit!
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
Rita Rudner
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.
Oscar Wilde
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.
Cher
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
WC Fields
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
Woody Allen
If I’m not back in five minutes… wait longer!
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.
Robert Paul
What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your dikk is hanging out.
Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
I exercise strong self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W.C.Fields
I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!’
Bruce Baum
Elena, my four year old, says to me in all seriousness; “Mommy, you need to buy another baby”.
A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong.
Unknown
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Unknown
Man who stands on toilet, gets high on pot!
Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.
God grant me the serenity to accept that people are ignorant, the courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile, & the wisdom to realize that murder is illegal.
Don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t sell drugs. The government hates competition!
Some people live upside down. They like to talk out their ass and the only thing that comes outta their mouth is shit.
I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Woody Allen
Dude, are my eyes seeing what my brain is telling my eyes that they’re seeing?
James Roday
Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control!
Unknown
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.
H. L. Mencken
There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
Unknown
I told my dad I stopped raising hell and he called me a quitter!
Unknown
Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Unknown
The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.
G K Chesterton
Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
Oscar Wilde
If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Aristotle Onassis
Promises are like babies…Fun to make but hell to deliver.
Unknown
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Unknown
As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner.
Unknown
She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
Mae West
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Unknown
Don’t be so humble—you are not that great.
Golda Meir
Whenever I’m caught between two evils, I take the one I’ve never tried.
Mae West
I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.
Jim Carrey
Allow me to put the record straight. I am forty-six and have been for some years past.
Erica Jong
A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.
Unknown
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Unknown
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
Unknown
The less we know, the longer the explanation.
B.G
Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
Robert Louis Stevenson
There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
Benjamin Franklin
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good, either.
Anonymous
It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Anonymous
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
Tim Allen
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
I’ve got problem for your solution.
Anonymous
Where there is plenty of wine, sorrow and worry take wing.
Anonymous
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that.
Steve Martin
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, “Get the hell off my property.”
Joan Rivers
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Albert Einstein
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Mark Twain
Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.
Mark Twain
The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.
Jean Cocteau
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Winston Churchill
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
Robert McCloskey
Man with hole in pocket, feel cocky all day.
Confusious
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
Oscar Wilde
I’m afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.
Woody Allen
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
Unknown
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
Unknown
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.
Walter Matthau
A Person who can explain color to Blind Man can explain any thing In Life.
Unknown
I only do one thing at a time; otherwise, I get confused and then I can’t trick you.
Judge Judy
People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an …
Ellen DeGeneres
Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!
Homer Simpson
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic and so am I.
Bill Murray
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they’re going to catch you in next.
Franklin P. Jones
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable, we find it necessary to change it every six months.
Oscar Wilde
I’m going to memorize your name and throw my head away.
Oscar Levant
People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Calvin
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Anonymous
Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.
Unknown
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Carol Burnett
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
Steven Wrigh
Don’t brake until you see god, then brake like hell.
Unknown
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Stephen Wright
As marriage produces children, so children produce care and disputes; and wrangling.
Mary Wortley Montagu
All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.
Lord Byron
My sarcasm only gets me in trouble when my brain-to-mouth filter is malfunctioning.
So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow but sure!
Unknown
Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three.
Billie Holiday
It was a typically British birth… I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward… I came out in
sympathy.
Bob Hope
Death is nature’s way of saying, Your table’s ready.
Robin Williams
Did you ever think that making a speech on economy is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.
Lyndon Johnson
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
James Thurber
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.
Will Rogers
Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.
Franoise Sagan
Coffee isn’t my cup of tea.
Samuel Goldwyn
Wealthy people miss one of life’s greatest thrills . . . Making the last car payment.
Unknown
Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life!
Unknown
Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one.
E. B. White
A little greed can get you lots of stuff.
Anonymous
The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected.
Will Rogers
Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.
Doug Larson
Don’t think of death as an ending. Rather, think of it as a really effective way of reducing your expenses.
Unknown
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called ‘brightness’, but it doesn’t work.
Gallagher
Don’t question GOD, as he may say, if you are so eager for answers, then please come up.
Anonymous
Life is too complicated in the morning.
Unknown
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
Unknown
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Robert Bloch
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Dean Martin
A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.
Steven Wright
For what is done or learned by one class of women becomes, by virtue of their common womanhood, the property of all women.
Elizabeth Blackwell
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments.
Jim Morrison
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
E. B. White
Beauty fades . . . dumb is forever.
Judge Judy
Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn’t pay..so if you keep reading, you’ll go broke.
Don’t Mess With Me; You Don’t Want To End Up Under My Patio Do You?
I have finally been diagnosed…!!! I have a serious condition known as “Awesomeness” but don’t worry, none of you can get it because its not contagious!
I wanted to kill the sexiest person alive, but they say suicide is a crime.
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Helen Rowland
I hate work. That’s why I got married.
Peg Bundy
Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there’s Google.
Unknown
Due to lack of interest, tomorrow has been cancelled.
Author Unknown
Forgive me now – tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.
Ashleigh Brilliant
A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking,
But a wise man tells her she looks extremely beautiful when her lips are closed!
Unknown
The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit.
Dwight Morrow
I guess the only thing to do now is meet his parents. I’m sure they’re decent people. I mean they gotta be if they named their son Gaylord Focker.
Robert De Niro
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want,
drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
Mark Twain
I never said most of the things I said.
Yogi Berra
By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.
George Burns
In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That’ll teach ‘em to fuck with you.
oddspeak
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
Blessed is he who has learned to laugh at himself for he shall never cease to be entertained.
John Boswell
All you future Google Whores might want to pay attention to what I’m about to reveal.
John Chow
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
Benjamin Franklin
A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
Anonymous
Women like me because I make them laugh. And what is an orgasm, except laughter of the loins?
Mickey Rooney
A quick word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ”no”.
Woody Allen
What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.
Mark Twain
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
To err is human, to arr is pirate.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard.
Unknown
Money is the root of all of my wealth.
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
Billy Connoly
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
Joan Rivers
A genius is one who can do anything except make a living.
Joey Lauren Adams
The National Rifle Association says, ‘Guns don’t kill people. People do’. But I think the gun helps.
Eddie Izzard
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.
He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield
Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.
Quentin Crisp
Ugliness is better than beauty. It lasts longer and in the end, gravity will get us all.
Johnny Depp
Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don’t let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months.
Clifford Stoll
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
Unknown
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
Winston Churchill
My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.
Paul Getty
Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take.
Josh Billings
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
Oscar Wilde
There can’t be good living where there is not good drinking.
Benjamin Franklin
I spent most of my money on booze and women. The rest I wasted.
John Laws
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
Mae West
If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don’t actually live longer; it just seems longer.
Clement Freud
His nose is snottier than a frog in a blender.
If someone makes you so angry take a deep breath, count on ten and kill him immediately.
Unknown
I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
Emo Plillips
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx
If ignorance is bliss, you must be ecstatic.
The best way to get rid of a telemarketer is to ask them what they are wearing.
Those who like me, raise your hands!!
n those who don’t like me, RAISE YOUR STANDARDS.
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’
Anonymous
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one.
Mae West
A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Helen Rowland
You’re not famous until my mother has heard of you.
Jay Leno
Keep smiling , it makes people wonder what you’re up to.
Unknown
Money Talks … but all mine ever says is Goodbye!
Unknown
Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time…they’re gone.
Lenny Bruce
Date a woman, get a free pair of melons!
Unknown
Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out.
Better to keep quiet and only let people think you’re an idiot than to speak up and confirm it.
Unknown
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is.
Unknown
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
Unknown
When I got my first television set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships.
Andy Warhol
Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.
Finley Peter Dunne
Kids in the backseats cause accidents, accidents in the backseat cause kids.
Unknown
I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
David Dinkins
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Unknown
I either get what I want or I change my mind.
Anonymous
Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.
Corey Ford
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Pablo Picaso
I’m Just Driving This Way To Piss You Off.
Unknown
Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.
Sam Ewing
Some folks can look so busy doing nothin’ that they seem indispensable.
Kin Hubbard
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Unknown
We didn’t lose the game, we just ran out of time.
Vince Lombardi
Some of those more out-there jokes were written in the wee hours of the morning. Somehow, they remained funny the next day.
Seth MacFarlane
The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.
Oscar Wilde
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
Ogden Nash
The opposite sex is the most dangerous
and addictive drug out there,
but the high is unlike anything else.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Wendell Johnson
when i was sixteen i thought i was mature – at twenty -two i realize i am still a kid.
You want to know why I kept getting promoted? Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
W.G
Girl who sit on Judge’s lap get honorable discharge.
Confucius
You know you should go to sleep when the sheep your counting start to hit the fence.
Unknown
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
Unknown
Antidotes are what you take to prevent dotes.
Anon
People say women are difficult, especially the pretty ones. Well, men, there’s a reason for that. We have a lot to put up with. So be nice to us.
Unknown
If you don’t take that look off your face, the wind will change and you face will look like that forever.
Unknown
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
Nicholas Murray Butler
9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Unknown
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Unknown
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
Unknown
If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.
Chris Rock
Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry.
Unknown
They who drink beer will think beer.
Washington Irving
I drink no more than a sponge.
Francis Rabelais
I guess what I’m trying to say is, if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change.
Rocky Balbo
We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.
Frank McKinney Hubbard
The shortest distance between two points is under construction
Noelie Alito
Women with “pasts” interest men because men hope that history will repeat itself.
Mae West
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin
Ever since the young men have owned motorcycles, incest has been dying out.
Max Frisch
If we weren’t supposed to eat animals, how come they’re made of meat?
Unknown
Don’t count your checks before they’re cashed.
Anonymous
Death is hereditary.
Unknown
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
Gandhi
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
Robert Frost
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain
Always remember, money isn’t everything – but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.
Earl Wilson
The trouble with children is that they’re not returnable.
Quentin Crisp
If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind.
Unknown
An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be.
Anonymous
ARCHITECT is One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
Ambrose Bierce
I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton
Time is money, money is the root of all evil, and knowledge is power. Therefore, procrastination is the key to world peace.
Unknown
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
Unknown
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
Joey Adams
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin
Trains stop at train stations; Buses stop at bus stations; On my desk is a workstation.
Anonymous
I feel the need to express something, but I don’t know what it is I want to express.
Interiors
Here’s to being single – drinking doubles – and seeing triple!
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Mark Twain
There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
James Thurber
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Ingrid Bergman
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
Mae West
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Unknown
I’m Kind of a big deal.
Today I will be happier than a bird with a French fry.
I can’t say what i’m thinking right now.
I’m special, you’re not, get over it.
It is better to leave than to lack.
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
Haythum R. Khalid
If you learn from your mistakes, you must be freaking genius.
Unknown
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?
Unknown
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead.
Benjamin Franklin
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
Unknown
Which of the three categories do you belong – “could, should, but never would — should, would but never could —
would, could, but never should.”
It’s a recession when your neighbors loses his job: it’s a depression when you lose yours.
Harry S. Truman
An Australian kiss is similar to a French kiss, but given down under.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen
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