Bollywood Jokes

Aati Kya Kandhala In Many Languages





Hindi:

He : Aye kya bolti tu?

She: Aye kya main bolun?

He : Sun

She: Suna

He : Aati kya Khandala?

She: Kya karun aakey main khandala?

He : Ghumenge, phirenge, naachenge, gayenge. aaish karenge aur kya?



Kashmiri:

H: heey, kya chaakh wannan;

S: heev, kya bhe wanneyyyy;

H: booz;

S: wanoo;

H: pakha telle khandala;

S: kya karee weeteth bhe khandala;

H: pherevhey,nachevhey,geevevhey,khevevhey,eesh karav,beyy kya??



Bengali:



H: ei ki bolis tui;

S: ei ki ar boli;

H: son;

S: sona;

H: jabi ki khandala??

S: ki kori giye khandala;

H: are, ghurbo phirbo nachbo gaibo maja korbo ar ki;



Marathi:



H: Aye kay tu mhantes?;

S: aye kay me mhanhu?

H: aik;

S: aikav;

H: yetes ka khandala?;

S: kay karu yevon me khandala?;

H: bhatkuya, phiruya, gavuya, nachuya, aish karuya. aankhen kay?



Telugu:



H: Aye,yemantaavu?

S: Aye, Yem cheppaali?

H: Vinu,

S: Cheppu;

H: Vastaava Khandala??

S: Yem Cheddam velli manam Khandala?

H: Thirugudaam, Aadudhaam, Paadudaam, Ganthulu Yeddaam Inkemi?



Punjabi:



H: a ke boldi tu;

S: a ke mein bolan;

H: sunh;

S: sunha;

H: aande aein khandala;

S: ke karain ae ke mein khandala;



Kannada:



H: Aye, Yenanti Nee?

S: Aye, Naanu Yenu Anali?

H: Kelu,

S: Helu;

H: Barteeya Khandala?

S: Yenu Maadali Naa bandu Khandala?

H: Thirugona, Kuniyona, Hadona, Aadona, Majaa Madona... Innenu?



Sindhi:



H: Aye cha ti chaven?

S: aye cha maan chavan?

H: budh;

S: buhay;

H: achiti cha khandala?

S: cha kayan achi maan khandala?

H: ghumandasi, phirandasi, gayendasi, aaish kandasi, byo cha?



Gujarati:



H: Aye su bole tu?

S: aye hun su bolu?

H: sambhad;

S: sambhdav

H: aavechey ke khandala?

S: su karu aavene khandala?

H: ghumsu, pharsu, khavsu,peevsu, aaish karsu. beeju su?



Kannada:



H: Aye, Yenanti Nee?

S: Aye, Naanu Yenu Anali?

H: Kelu,

S: Helu;

H: Barteeya Khandala?

S: Yenu Maadali Naa bandu Khandala?

H: Thirugona, Kuniyona, Hadona, Aadona, Majaa Madona... Innenu?



Magadhi:



H: A ki bolahin too,

S: A kya boliyuow hum,

H: Sun

S: sunaow

H: Aaimahi ki khandala;

S: Ki kariaow aake hum khandala;

H: Gumbai Phirbai aish karbai aur ki,



English:



H: Aye what do you say?

S: Aye what should I say?

H: Listen.

S: Tell.

H: Coming kya khandala?

S: What do I do coming to khandala?

H: We'll roam, we'll sing we'll dance we'll do aish. what else?

Typical bollywood Movie



If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will

a) die

a) join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.

If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).



Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be sustained. Else, it will be overruled.



The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the first 30 minutes, and commit suicide.



In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.



When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never

a) miss

a) run out of bullets.



When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die).



Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of

a) pots

a) barrels

a) glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.



Any movie involving lost and found brothers will have a song sung by

a) the brothers

a) their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax)

a) the family dog/cat.



The amazing thing is that these folks remember the song after 20 years in the movie, and you can't remember it 2 minutes after coming out of the theatre.



Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in three categories:



a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father - killed by the villain before the titles.



b) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero, saying "Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte", only to pat him in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector's daughter is in love with the anti-hero.



c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain's sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax.











Indian Titanic

The name of the movie would be "Goa to Bombay".

Madhuri has to be Rose and who else but Shahrukh as Jack. Madhuri's fiance would be Gulshan Grover who mutters "bad man" every time he sees Shahrukh.



Amitabh Bacchan would make a guest appearance as the Ship's captain and would be waltzing with Madhuri during the party. Of course, he would not die.



Shahrukh will be travelling with his sister and 5 other chamchas from college plus 50 extras who are well trained in every dance sequence in the world.



The movie would only last for 7 hours. Thanks to great piece of editing,there would be only 22 songs in the movie out of 30 in the CD.



The ship would be overflowing with extras whom you normally find in movies that have a court scene full of people or a slum full of aam-janta.



The ship will start sinking, not because of the iceberg but because of excessive on-board population.



The infamous lovemaking in the back seat of the car would be replaced with a song in the Swiss Alps.



Best friend of Shahrukh will save his sister from being raped during the chaos.The sister will instantly fall in love right after this and she will also get a song or two.



Remember Rose changing her mind about jumping into the water? In our case, Madhuri changes her mind, since...since... the ship is moving along a creek and the water stinks!



How can we forget the painting scene? Shahrukh would be painting Madhuri's portrait with Madhuri fully covered minus the locket (Censors yaar!).



This is to be followed by a dance number, with extras of course, in an art gallery.



Shahrukh would eventually find his long lost mom Aasoo Devi on the ship. Only during the climax would Aasoo Devi tell Shahrukh about how Gulshan troubled them.



Shahrukh would then yell, "Kutte mein tera khoon pee jaaoonga". The ensuing fight would only last for an hour.



There would be an antakshari for the "drowners" conducted by Anu Kapoor instead of the trio playing the violin.



Most important!! The number of times the word "Bachaoooo" would be yelled would be a record in the history of cinema.



"Raaaabert...Captain se ja ke kaho ke agar apni maa or bahen ko zinda dekh na chahte ho to naav ko Hindustaan kee sarhado se hamesha hamesha ke liye bahoootdoor le le."





Bollywood Faux Paus

Pyar To Hona Hi Tha

Kajol gets off the train to use the public toilet at the railway station and the train chugs off without her. Poor girl, little did she know that every train compartment has four toilets inside.



Rangeela

Aamir Khan tells his friend that he will take Urmila Matondkar for a Chinese meal. Strangely when they are in the restaurant, Aamir Khan orders usal pav etc. What's happened to the noodle & chowmein?



Khiladiyon Ka Khiladi

Akshay Kumar boards a Jet Airways flight to America. Well well - some promotion for our Indian Jet Airways - since when did they start flying abroad?



Raja Hindustani

Navneet Nishan has a short hair before marriage. But after tying the knot, overnight she acquires waist-length hair. What a hair raising experience!!



Raja

Dilip Tahil empties a can of petrol over Madhuri. Minutes later, Sanjay Kapoor takes the same can and pours it over Dilip Tahil. That's what I call a autofill!



Guddu

Manisha & Shahrukh are seen hanging on a parachute during a song. But when the song ends, they land down on the Glider. What a switch above sea level!











Amitabh's Replacement

Since Amitabh Bachchan's is out for Kaun Banega Crorepati, here are a few persons who could audition for the show.



Nana Patekar: Jaldi se jawab bol. Sahi jawab tere ko lakhpati bana dalega.Galat jawab tere ko hijda bana dega.



Amjad Khan: Kitne options the? Chaar ! Soover ke bachchon ! Chaar chaar options ! Bahut nainsaafi hai ! Dhish-keoin Dhish-keoin ! 50-50 kar ke do galat jawab main uda diye. Ab bol, tera kya hoga kaaliya?



Sanjay Dutt: Aye item log, kaye ko udhar khada hai? Idhar aake mere pass baith jaa. Kya be chikne - tere ko aata hai to bol dal varna main tere ko idhar-eech phod dalega.



Raj Kumar: Jaani, huuum, hhhuuuum hote to apne dost ko phone kar ke sawaal pooch lete.



Jagdeep: Bole to Soorma Bhopali - meri jeb ho gayi khaali. Mere pass to koi cheque nahin hain. Arre mujhko jaane do.



Mithun Chakraborty: Eeyaeech ! Tu audience poll karega ? Aye, yahan ke public ke paas time nahin hai. Kya nahin hai? Time nahin hai.



Kesto Mukherji: Hee-heek. Hee-yaik. Apne ko sab kuch do-do dikh rahela hai.Hee-heek. Yeh aath options kidhar se aa gaye? Hee-yok. Apne ko bahut chad gayeli hai.



Ashok Kumar: To abhi aapne yeh dekha ( wheeze ), ki yahan se Delhi ke Ramesh Kumar ( gasp), yahan se Rs 20,000 leke chale gaye. ( groan ). Kal aur dus logon ko leke phir milenge Hum Log (croak ).







Keshto

Keshto Mukherjee had a little too much to drink one day. He was driving home from the bar one night and, of course, his car was weaving violently all over the road.



A hawaldar pulls him over and asked, "kahan se aa rahe ho?"

"Iiiizzzzze! daru khane se! izzzeezzzeh!" slurs Kesto.



"Lagta hai ke aapne bahot pee rakhi hai"



"Hehheha. Lekin mai thik hu!" Kesto says in his usual style.



"Lekin aapko pata hai," says the hawaldar, "kuchh der pahle pahle aapki biwi car se gir gayi?



"Iiizzzzzezzzeeh! Tab to sab thik hai" sighs Kesto, "thodi der ke liye to apne ko laga...izzzezze...ke apun behra ho gaya hun....hehhehe".